My Life as a Hotfessional

When an organization is trying to flatten its structure, managers sometimes end up reporting to more than one boss. Depending on what role needs performing or what task needs to be completed, I have 3 men that want answers or analysis or this or that project completed. Of course, to use a real cliche - I’m never bored! What makes life really exciting is when Boss #1 expects an answer that Boss #3 already told you is wrong.

Personalities play heavily into this scene - and finding your way through the jungle of what B1, B2, and B3 want at any given moment, is indeed, like navigating your way through a maze. To thine own self be true, but there’s certainly no harm in being able to subtly change your approach to complement the personality you have to deal with that day.

Here’s a sample:

• B1 (the Consultant guy) -> “We sold your division so why can’t we take cost savings of no longer printing payment coupons since we don’t own that division anymore? Then we can shut down the print center and let all of those employees go and save the electricity, salaries, envelope cost, ink, paper, spit to seal the envelopes….”
• The Hotfessional -> “Well, we don’t actually print payment coupons - that was outsourced to a print vendor about 3 years ago. So, the company that bought my division is now paying that vendor’s bill. If we shut down the print center because of the sale of my division, we’d actually be preventing the rest of the company from getting anything printed and mailed….”
• B1 -> “Oh, well, yes…..ehhemmm”

• B2 (the Detail Guy) -> “You approved this invoice for $298,273.28 @ 4:32 pm on Thursday, May 3 this year. Last year’s invoice was $198,275.48. What was the increase?”
• The Hotfessional -> “We added 167 new licenses and upgraded the support and maintenance contract to 24/7/365 telephone accessibility. Actually, although the original contract specified a maximum 4% per year increase while we used the product, the vendor decreased the price per license by 1% and we received the upgraded support and maintenance at a 35% savings over new client cost. I believe I noted that in the comments section on the invoice.”
• B2 -> “Oh, well, yes…..ehhemmm”

• B3 (the ‘I need this now’ guy) -> “I saw the update on the # of items processed through the XYZ system and wondered, in light of the division sale, if our volumes were up or down compared to this time last month, the month before that, and this month last year. I’d like to take this before the ABC committee tomorrow afternoon, so please have all of the data to me by the time I get in tomorrow”
• The Hotfessional -> “Actually, we run that on a daily basis so I have it right here. “

………. 4 days later …………

• The Hotfessional -> “How did the presentation on Thursday? (blank look from B3) The presentation on items processed volume pre- and post-division sale?
• B3 -> “Oh, well, yes…..ehhemmm”

It’s also really important to be able to multi-task and delegate. Delegation is not something that comes easy to me. Patience is in even shorter supply. Mr. Hot has informed me that I tend to “talk down” to people when they don’t agree with me. (Yes, we were arguing at the time….so believe me, I was talking down, up, sideways and inside out because he was being completely unreasonable! Really. Honest. Geez, what is wrong with you?)

—- Finding your way as a hotfessional in today’s business climate - with staff reductions, longer work days, changing expectations and all that crap - can make it hard to climb that ladder, but remember….when you get to a certain point on that ladder, you can see the path through the maze. —-

Well, we all made it back safe and sound. I’d forgotten how much I absolutely love having the shit scared outta me (well, not literally, but you know…)

It was a great weekend. This rollercoaster, for those of you who aren’t C.P. aficionados (the first time I was there was in 6th grade-1974!) is “the Mantis”. Here’s the description from the Cedar Point site:

Guests board high-tech trains and fly down a 145-foot-tall first hill at an outrageous top speed of 60 mph, all while standing up! That’s right, standing
up!

By the way, that is a loop there and there’s lots of twists and turns and rolls and….wayyy too much fun. We met the 19-year-old (NYO) and the 23-year-old (TYO) on Friday afternoon and hit the park for the twilight (5 pm - 10 pm) hours. Came back and played board games until after midnight. Spent Saturday morning playing cards (where were those prayers people? I asked for no rain) and then the afternoon and evening at the park (it finally stopped raining around 2 pm). Then Mr. Hot and I kicked back on Sunday at our 400 sq. ft. cottage right on Sandusky Bay and (oops) finished a bottle of vodka. Luckily the three children (can you count them as children now?) didn’t come back until after 11 pm. I had sobered up somewhat, and Mr. Hot had fallen asleep, so they didn’t have to hear any liquor induced conversation

Amazingly enough, Mr. Hot and I have been together 16 years. We’ve been traveling with these 3 kids for 15 of those years (since Mr. Hot and I begat the Shortman) and this was the first time I’ve felt like we were a family. Being the stepmom was never easy with this crew. And as the sole wage earner in the family for most of that time (yes, I paid their child support and college expenses) - and with us living nearly 300 miles away, I never felt like much more than a checkbook. I’m not sure whether they didn’t keep in touch because of me, their feelings toward their Dad, or something that their Mom did/said about us, but we were rarely included in their lives and they “graced us” with their presence once/year - early on it was Spring Break, then Christmas (for which budgets were blown). Recently, the NYO has started keeping in touch and suggesting that we get together (Thanksgiving the past two years, this C.P. trip), so I guess we’re all just growing up. As a 16-year-old would move toward some level of maturity, so moves our 16-year-old family. I’m hoping that this time the “Please keep in touch” and “We will” will not just be an empty promise.

—- Monday we drove home, and figured out that we had no food in the house. How depressing is it to have to go grocery shopping the same day you return from a really great weekend? —-

When I started working for this company back in 1992 (yes … 15 years ago … although technically, we’ve been bought 4 times since then, so … same hire date but different branding on my business card!) - all women had to wear skirts or dresses. NO pants! Yes, you read that right. Sad, isn’t it. The 90’s.

Once those of us with boobs (oops, there go the search engines) could start wearing pants, all of my pretty skirts and dresses got pushed to the back of the closet. Oh, I’d still pull them out every once in a while - for old times sake. I’d grimace as yet another fingernail went through the pantyhose ($7.50 down the drain). Then I finally decided - Pantyhose = BAD. Trouser socks = GOOD. Only under extreme duress would I wear something without legs.

So, what the hell happened this morning? I open my closet and see (oooh) pretty blue short-sleeved shift dress hanging there. I know it’s going to be pushing 90 degrees today. I now work in a building where you can go without pantyhose - just shave your legs for crying out loud - so I throw it on with a pair of matching ballet-style flats. Cute! Grab blazer for air conditioned conference rooms. Ready, set, go.

Walk downstairs. Mr. Hot looks up from his bowl of cereal. Does a double-take. “What’s the occasion?” says he. “Oh, just felt like something different”, says me.

Shortman comes down. “Mom, you’re wearing a dress?”. I reply, “Damn, I knew 11 years of public school would teach you something!”. (Snort. Sometimes I can out-sarcasm a 15 year old boy. Even at 7:30 a.m.)

Now, did I mention that I’m in the process of moving between old office and new office? (Window!) That I run all over this building? That I frequently have to bend over to pick things up? (I’m very clumsy and drop things. A lot.). So, not a smart choice for this morning. But cute. Very very cute.

In other news, tomorrow I leave for a 4-day weekend with Mr. Hot, the Shortman, and my 2 step-kids, the 19 year old and the 23 year old. We’re meeting up in Sandusky Ohio - home of Cedar Point and all things roller-coaster-y. Pray that it doesn’t rain in Ohio this weekend. For me, please???? Five of us in 400 square feet for 3 1/2 days doesn’t bode well for the mental health aspects of my family. However, I’m sure that it will generate some good blog material!

—- So until (if) I get back - You all have a great Memorial Day - Remember our fallen and thank them and their families for the sacrifices they have made. Don’t overdose on hot dogs and potato salad. —-

Nooooo, of course not. I get Joe-Bob, the beer-bellied, plumber-panted, cigar-smoker weeding the dying perennials outside my window. I know you all are just screaming with jealousy.

—- Seriously y’all, what did I do to deserve such good fortune? —-

with fashion issues. She agrees about the tape, too. See Miss Doxie for a giggle or seven.

Mr. Hot and I put a new Hosta bed in over the weekend (there’s also two astilbe in there) and dug up about 4 years of mulch in the front flower beds and replaced it with new. My fingers are torn up! I can’t work in gloves, I just can’t, so my nails were black (from the dye in the mulch) and shredded. It was fun though, and soooo much of an improvement over the dirt and rock hole that was in this spot.

When I wasn’t digging - I was relaxing with Jen Lancaster’s book “Bitter is the New Black” and a drink or two. If you haven’t read this book, you must. Next up - “Bright Lights, Big Ass”. Jen is horrid, an Execu-Bitch extraordinaire….and I would love to have her as a new best friend. I’ve lived some of those days, and I swear we know some of the same people - and she lives in Chicago - so it’s even more possible. Of course, she’s also sweetly disarming when she reflects back on her “before” and “after” - maybe if I promise her a couple of martinis next time I’m in town, I can drag her away from her keyboard long enough to figure out some of her secrets. Seriously y’all - if you enjoy a wicked sense of humor, read Jen. This is female executive life at its finest.

I “discovered” Jen when I stumbled across mention of her in another of my favorite blogs and this one from a fellow Michiganian (Note: we are not Michiganders….that would imply we have webbed feet and honk) )- “Underpaid Kept Woman“. This is a sample of what has, in the past, caused me to laugh hard enough to scatter the cats. When I found Susie Sunshine, I had to start at the very beginning, and read every post, in order. I’m telling you - read her! She also has a standing invite to my deck to drink to excess - because sometimes, whether you’re a hotfessional or not, it’s just fun to be with people of like minds.

Oh…Victoria’s Secret has my FAVORITE pants for 50% off (and in 2 versions! wide leg and straight leg). Pair them with a cute T-shirt - throw on a jacket, and you look like you have a much more expensive outfit - and I love the way these Bridget-fit pants actually fit. They’re NOT down to there…..they sit at your waist….you can throw them in the wash, hang them to dry, and they travel well. A new Execu-hot looking outfit without spending a fortune! Which means you can afford new shoes too….. and maybe a new purse?

— Not Prada, though. Sorry Jen, but although I share your love of all things Kate Spade, my one Kate purse was an eBay find at $20. —

Being a Hotfessional, Casual Fridays cause me Friday morning angst. How much can I really get away with to fit in? Since my “home base” building doesn’t have customer traffic, the only people I interact with while I’m here are other technology execs…in other words…none of us are out there with the rich guys. Essentially, it’s always business casual, but on Fridays it takes on a new meaning.

On one hand, I don’t want to wear my usual Execu-hot wear because if I do, the staff here assumes that either:

1. I think I’m better than them or
2. I am a highbrow bitch

On the other hand, my jeans are not exactly “mom” jeans. They’re worthy of stiletto heels and lace camisoles and juggling my Cosmo.

I do have a couple of strategies - like throwing on a blazer that covers my ass and wearing the jeans. Or dressing down a pair of pants from a suit with a fairly casual top. And I’m fine with that - really. I’m generally too cheap to go buy a pair of jeans that are not my usual style just to wear on Fridays. But - Oh My God! Some of the things I’ve seen around here today:

• Dollar store flip flops with stretch pants and a midriff baring T-shirt
• Shorts (!!!!! - in Michigan - there was FROST last night!)
• Badonkadonk butts - (if you haven’t seen the Subway commerical, click here) - in sweat pants.

Ladies….if you want to move up the food chain, (and I WANT YOU THERE!!!!), please think about the image you’re projecting when you walk out in the morning. Yikes.

One of my favorite Mark Twain quotes:

—– The finest clothing made is a person’s skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this. —-