My Life as a Straight Man:

I dial in to my boss’s staff meeting since I’m not onsite this week. It’s kinda like walking into a “Cheers” episode - except rather than using my name, I get a lot of “Support Goddess”!!!, “XYS Queen”!!! (I managed the System Support division for years, and before that, built an application called XYS which is still in use.) Again, dumbshit me -

• Hotfessional => “I hope you all are getting t-shirts printed with those names for me to wear when I’m out of a job.”
• The Rest of Them => *catcalls and wolf-whistles* “You mean otherwise you’ll walk around naked after you’re laid off?” “You’re fired!” “Here’s your ‘pink slip’.”

The sad thing is, I tend to do this when I’m there in person, too.

• Hotfessional to rest of group => “I’m warning you all about those margaritas. Don’t have more than one without eating. And even then, don’t have 3. Stop at 2. Take this from someone who knows. You won’t be able to stand up.”
• Sr. Program Mgr. (after 3rd drink w/o food) to person he’s sitting next to => “Doesn’t the Hotfessional’s rack look bigger?”

Which was, of course, said in that well-known, completely drunk whisper that echos through the entire restaurant.

Blackberry Conversation During a Different Staff Meeting:

• Ex-Boss of Hotfessional => “Do you shop at Victoria’s Secret?”
• Hotfessional => “Um, yes, why?” (While wondering which piece of lingerie has somehow turned flashing neon for whole world to see)
• Ex-Boss => “I want to get my wife whatever kind of bra you’re wearing - and there’s a Victoria’s Secret on the way home.”

Are you sensing a theme here, people?

Oh My Gawd, Tell Me He Didn’t!:

• Support Division Manager explaining the official definition of Emergency => “It’s not just some client saying, “‘I want my hoo-hoo, and I want it right now!’”
• Rest of Meeting Attendees => “snort, cough, giggle, snort, hack”
• Hotfessional (once again, the only woman in the room) => “I think I have to leave now.”

Technically, I think I’m the only one with a hoo-hoo sitting there.

Sometimes, Thank Goodness, I’m NOT the Target - Or Am I?:

Scene: Four Managers are walking down the streets of Chicago (3 men, 1 woman) - 2 by 2 due to the narrowness of the sidewalk. Hotfessional and LI #1 in front, LI #2 and XLMan trailing.

• XLMan => “Y’know, LI#1, you have no ass!“

Implication being “Hotfessional, you have too much ass?”

—- Okay, so that last one was a scene from the back. —-

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