I’ve got to do it. I know that. Somehow, I simply have to break down and write my resume. But the last time I did that was 15 years ago. Seriously. 15. years. ago. So I got to thinking about all of the things that I’ve done:

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Babysitting - starting when I was 12. You had to be 12. It was like a law or something.

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Parks and Recreation Leader - I was 16. The youngest leader that they’d ever hired. The town I lived in had been farmland and had just started the subdivision boom. It was 1979. There were all of these little parks in the subdivisions. Some had playsets and sandboxes and baseball fields. We got arts ‘n craft supplies. We even got to take field trips. Other than the cost of some of the field trips, it was pretty much free daycare for many of the parents. The kids showed up in the morning, (some even brought their lunch, or glommed off my partner and me).

Honestly, what could the township leaders have been thinking when they put 17 year olds out there with any number of juvenile delinquent-wannabes? We drove ancient vans to field trip locations (Wave pools, the Zoo, State parks) up to 40 or 50 miles away. That could never happen today. Surely Susie or Johnny would scrape their knee and their parents would sue for millions of dollars of damages and the program would be shut down.

I worked for Parks & Rec for 4 years. All the way through High School and my freshman year in college.

I remember one day, when I got one of the BIG parks (it had TWO playsets, and grills that we could use, and a softball field, and running water!). We decided to have a water fight. We brought the balloons and supplied a hose. We bought hot dogs and everything necessary to have a big cookout.

I went into the porta-john to change into my bathing suit. (I can tell you, I had the best tan ever those 4 years). Next thing I know, the potty is shaking. rocking. I’m holding onto the walls and trying to unlock the door, and screaming at the top of my lungs, and I’m hearing all of these shrieking evil laughs from those hellions. My partner had gone over to the other side of the park (this was a biiiiigggg park - it spanned a mile wide area) to get the charcoal and stuff out of the storage area. They were trying to fucking tip me over. In a Porta-John. That they had all used. Minions. of. Satan.

Jill finally got back and threatened to cancel all of the festivities. “DON’T MAKE ME THROW AWAY THESE HOTDOGS. DON’T MAKE US PUT THE HOSE BACK. DON’T MAKE ME TURN THIS CAR AROUND!”

Makes me shudder every time I have to use the outhouse at Shortman’s baseball games.

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Veterinary Assistant: When I wasn’t being the target of the neighborhood hellborns’ antics, I worked after school in a local Vet’s office. Since I was planning to go to Veterinary School, I needed this job. Everything in this office was stainless steel. It was my job (in addition to the normal front-office stuff) to scrub everything in the office every day. With non-scratching cleanser. Softscrub. The. Whole. Entire. Office. I had the cleanest hands - you could have eaten off my hands!

When the Vet decided he needed someone to work during school hours and could only afford one of us, I was let go. It was the first time I ever lost a job. (But it won’t be the last as we all know).

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Teller: My first foray into the banking world. I hated every second of it. I was 21 - and had NO patience. If the customer yelled at me, I yelled back. The only reason I didn’t get my ass fired was because my mother was the City Treasurer, and my Dad was a Police Lieutenent in the same city. I left when I got married and swore “With God as my witness, I will never work in banking again!”

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Human Resources (Multiple positions including Payroll Coordinator, Benefits Specialist and Trainer): In. A. Bank. (See above…this was a mere 4 months later….so much for that vow) I worked for the absolute worst boss I ever had - and the last woman I ever worked for. She hated me. I had a college degree and knew Lotus 1-2-3! And she cried when I resigned. (What? Who was going to cover her ass when her boss tried to get her to do something on the p.c. instead of the IBM Selectric?)

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College Instructor: I taught Computer Science 101. It paid for my tuition those semesters - when I went back to school after my divorce. I used to give extra credit to anyone who would come find me at Basketball games. I carried huge piles of 3.5″ floppies in my backpack. I discovered I hated grading homework and giving tests. No one failed my class. I taught the guy who would eventually kick the field goal that won us the 1AA Football Championship in 1992. THAT was the era “We Are! Marshall!” started, not 1970.

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—- And that led me to where I am today. My current career started in 1992. 15. years. ago. God Help Me. I have GOT to start that resume. But I can’t seem to decide what I want to be when I grow up. —-