Jan 09 2008
The Ebb of Flo(w) Middle-suck-Age
I’m telling you right now that the title of this post has to change. It has to. Give suggestions and I’ll change it. And send the winner a prize. Updated: Okay, Kristabella, you win. I can either give you your prize next time I see you OR you can email me your address. Your choice.
Phil? Larry? You? The three of you may want to take a break from Hotfessional today. I know that you’re big boys and all, and that you’re not afraid of a little, um, female talk, so, okay, whatever. Stay if you want. No bitching about it later is all.
I’m going to be 45 in May. I know that there are natural changes that occur as we age. We thicken. We sag. We need to take in less calories and make an effort to be more active. (I say that because, honestly, y’all, was being active really that much of an effort in our 20’s? Walking from bar to bar worked off the beer you were drinking. Oh, and those of you still in your freakin’ 20’s? Hush. Twenty years from now, you’ll remember me fondly and nod your head with a wry, knowing grin on your face. You’ll be all “Hotfessional was so right! We really should go visit her and make sure that her antiquated wireless card still works in the home for aged bloggers and that she’s keeping Shortman’s WoW account paid for.” Yep, that’ll be you so just hush up now.)
I know this and, seriously, I’m okay with it. I am. I stay active. I eat moderately. I get my allotted number of fruits and veggies every day. I eat only whole wheat/whole grain carbs - even my pasta (and everyone else in my family hates whole wheat spaghetti.) I’m never giving up my wine or vodka, but I mix the vodka with 15-calorie limeade and Diet (ack! - I know) OceanSpray cranberry (5 calories/serving!). If I drink beer, it’s lite. My favorite restaurant food is fish. (See the damn halo over my head? Saintliness here!)
This isn’t a post about weight. It’s not a post about dieting and New Year’s resolutions. I’d love to lose 5 or 10 pounds. That’s not bad, and it’s not unusual. I wish my boobs were as perky as they were years ago, and that my collarbones were more visible and that my waist was as defined as the last time high-waisted pants were in fashion. And all of that is okay, too. Nothing unusual, when you’re (let’s fucking face it already, shall we?) middle-aged. Fifty may be the new 30, but folks, the actuarial tables don’t say that our average life span is 100.
So, what is this little rant all about? When you’re 45 and pre-menopausal?
You get:
- 4 days per month where you’re NOT bloated
- Wrinkles - with zits hiding IN the wrinkles
- Hairs growing from your chinny-chin-chin
- Periodic insomnia and/or panic attacks
- Decreased sexual desire (Ooooh, this has got to be Mr. Hot’s favorite)
- 4 days per month when you’re NOT bloated (oh, did I say that already?) Okay, then, how about Forgetfulness. and…
- Irregular periods (another favorite of Mr. Hot. Especially when they come every 14 days. Yay! the PMS is never-ending!)
So, I put myself back on the Spironolactone that causes me to wear a path in the carpeting between wherever I sit and the bathroom. Because it helps the bloat. To piss everything out of yourself every 15 minutes.
And I bought new tweezers that are nice and sharp and yank the whiskers - because there is nothing hot about a goatee. Nothing.
I may start blogging from the middle of the night, since I’m usually awake for a couple of hours anyway. That should make Blog365 interesting.
DHC Skincare is my new Victoria’s Slutwear, and am now religiously clipping coupons for tampons whenever the Sunday paper arrives.
And sorry Mr. Hot - you’re just going to have to figure that last one out by yourself. A romantic date to a chick flick instead of basketball games and lectures about political bullshit? Maybe a nice backrub or a foot massage? (Hint for Mr. Hot -> “Why yes, honey, a backrub will get you laid. And if if lasts more than 3 minutes? You’ll get … um, cookies! too!”)
Sigh.
At least the hair is behaving today. See, no Carol Brady flippiness! And shiny, with no goop!
—- Please pay no attention to the sagging cheeks. That’s age. The shadow above the lips? That’s pre-menopause. Note to self: Add wax to the grocery list for this week. Check for coupons! —-
![[del.icio.us]](http://images.del.icio.us/static/img/delicious.small.gif){kind=small}
Girl, its not that bad. I mean, just go to Ikea, and buy TWO chair kits, and have Mr Hot put them together side by side, and voila, chair made for the growing middle age spread!
(ducking as the electric lite cane swings around)
Your not as good as you used to be, but once, you are as good as ever!
Get that put on a T-shirt and substitute some fake viagra’s in Mr Hots collection, he will think the same thing!
Besides, I passed you a decade ago, and I am here to tell you that age is numbers, but aging is in the head. You get more candles on the cake, but you dont ever get old!
LarryLilly’s last blog post..Its been a long time….
Awesome… I cannot wait to get older.
I think you look pretty cute, for all that pain.
Laurel’s last blog post..Resolve It
I ignored it all, denied everything, camouflaged the rest and now that I am on the other side … all is great! Hang in there sistah … you look fab!
Nancy’s last blog post..Co-inky-dinky?
Your hair is seriously cute. The color rocks.
As for the rest, aman!
Jen on the Edge’s last blog post..Ramblin’ woman
Ooo… The name of the post seriously needs some work. Ick, ick, ick, ick… (It doesn’t help that I’m back to the post-pregnancy mess of “hmm, is that time of the month going to occur this week or this year?”)
You are fine! You have lovely hair, and hey, this period (pun intended) of life can’t last forever - it just feels like it.
Please rename this entry to something a little less “eww,” like “Time marches on.”
(Okay, so that is sort-of depressing, too…)
RC’s last blog post..Mayonnaise Cake
Okay, I have to take a breath because somewhere in the middle of that post I became you and the world spun and I almost threw up.
Hot! Hairs on your chinny-chin-chin? Brand new tweezers to deal with them because nothing else fucking works!? Check.
Decreased sexual desire? Sex? What’s that? Check.
Bloating? Um…I have good jeans and bad jeans depending on what day of the month it is. Check.
And DHC? Do you use the Rosemary Olive Oil Wash? Or the Mild Toner? Have you yet purchased the little puff that gently exfoliates.
Are you sure we’re not sisters?
Candy’s last blog post..Oh.Good.Lord
How about My Unpredictable Aunt?
Then people might think you are actually talking about your Aunt? And not Aunt Flow, who comes to visit?
Or how about Middle-Suck-Age? I am not good with titles. It’s usually the last thing I write.
I think your hair looks so purrty!
Kristabella’s last blog post..Blown Fuse
New Title….
WHEN DREAMS PALE IN THE FACE OF REALITY
It was that one for the view of you looking forward, or if your a bit down, then the shorter….
WHEN DREAMS FADE TO REALITY
LarryLilly’s last blog post..Its been a long time….
LOL - you rock, girl!
Heidi
Heidi’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Okay, I’ll be 32 in April and half of that list already applies to me?
My mom is going through menopause, without hormones, and she swears by taking cohosh (black? blue? don’t remember) and MSM. If she doesn’t take the cohosh she goes insane and has temperature flashes. The MSM keeps her skin and hair youthful. If she forgets to take the MSM her skin gets saggy and dry and her hair breaks off.
Marie’s last blog post..I’m breaking up with Matt Damon
Oh, as it is, she’s 56, and looks maybe 45. We went to the store together today and the cashier thought I was a high-schooler playing hooky from school with my mom.
Marie’s last blog post..I’m breaking up with Matt Damon
Well, I think the title sums it up perfectly. BTW, you forgot psychotic rants and moodiness that looms in the future (or is just that applicable to my mother needing meds?).
Bloating: Thank god for whatever diuretic is out on the over the counter aisle. HSA/FSA qualifed!
Insomnia/Panic Attacks: Nah - more attributable to workforce drama.
Plucking - it’s a habit that should start young in life. And they grow wherever, whenever. :::sigh:::
Lack of a sex drive - I think that can happen at any age, but starts hitting around the arrival of the 30s. I wish I was still in my 20s. Where the hell is a time machine when we need ‘em.
The haircut looks fabulous! And, yes, goop is never good. Reminds me of that old haircrap “Stiff Stuff” or “Aquanet”. Blah!
Getting older does not sound like fun….but at least your hair looks cute!
Erin’s last blog post..I Can’t Believe I Forgot To Blog About This!
The bloat? A handful of common yarrow infused in your bathwater takes it all away. Forget Calgon. Yarrow. Google it.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Contest Winner(s)
I already have 3, 4 and 5 so … fun.
Dawn’s last blog post..Mommyhood - New Chapter on Baby Discipline
Yay! I never win anything!
I thought of another one. Whatever Floats Your Bloat.
I’m more creative at night.
Kristabella’s last blog post..Blown Fuse
I guess I have a lot to look forward to. (zits hiding in wrinkles??? I never knew. That will be me for sure).
Happy Tampon Hunting!
Britt’s last blog post..Sexy Exies: Not a Brand of Pasties
Well, you certainly don’t look 45!
Crap, being a woman kinda sucks sometimes, eh? I’m freaked out enough at the prospect of childbirth (I am not. pregnant.), so this premenopause thing is threatening to send me into a panic attack.
Ah yes, the joys of middle age. I don’t know about you but if there’s an afterlife, I’m coming back as a MAN.
Gypsy’s last blog post..To die a lonely death….
I turned 35 a few months ago an holy hell! My metabolism is even suckier. And all of those years in the sun? Haunting me. Didn’t think it was possible to get crow’s feet so early. So now I’m checking into fractionals (stimulates collegen in skin with laser because damn. Am. In. Need. And. Getting Jowl-y.)
If my eggs are in the same condition of my skin? Well, they’re pretty much rotten! Which, EEEK!
Just saying… although I ain’t 45, I can relate to some of the stuff you mention. heehee.
But LOVE your pretty, pretty hair,
motherofbun’s last blog post..You know you?re tired when?
Your hair! I’m not listening to any of the other stuff *LA LA LA LA* but your hair looks fantastic!
Veronica’s last blog post..Oh Hi! How Are You? You?re Here For The Blog Post Aren’t You? or Oh Wait, What Was I Going To Say Again?
You will always be hot to me babe. And I am not even into chicks
But get rid of the chin hair, it casts a shadow in the afternoon light apparently….
Smootches, and loving the hair babe. Some days I am so over being dark brown…. or whatever it says on the packet. Chocolate?
Oh and speaking of chocolate. I get my allotted veggies every freaking day. Coffee BEANS in my coffee 4 times a day and cocoa BEANS in my chocolate…
Kelley’s last blog post..Update on sleep and apologies.
As I got older, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with what was happening, but at least I knew vaguely what to expect with the metabolism and the perimenopause and so on. I even knew that there would be sagging. I was totally unprepared for the fact that one of the things that sagged was my armpits.
You know how you can put on deodorant and even shave in the shower without looking because you know exactly where your pits are? For a long time, I was blaming dull razors because I always had little tufts of hair sticking out when I knew that I had just shaved. It took me quite a while to figure out that my armpits had relocated themselves and I was shaving int he wrong place. Now I have to use a mirror.
I am still bemused that no one had ever mentioned this to me before.
Suzette’s last blog post..Are You There, God? It’s Me, Hillary.
As I got older, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with what was happening, but at least I knew vaguely what to expect with the metabolism and the perimenopause and so on. I even knew that there would be sagging. I was totally unprepared for the fact that one of the things that sagged was my armpits.
You know how you can put on deodorant and even shave in the shower without looking because you know exactly where your pits are? For a long time, I was blaming dull razors because I always had little tufts of hair sticking out when I knew that I had just shaved. It took me quite a while to figure out that my armpits had relocated themselves and I was shaving int he wrong place. Now I have to use a mirror.
I am still bemused that no one had ever mentioned this to me before.
I got nothin’. I turned forty five last year and yeah, whole grains, fruit and veggies, exercise, waxing of attractive Fu Man Chu mustache, blah, blah, blah. Maybe a visit from Sean Connery? ; )
Fannie Mae’s last blog post..Overheard last weekend
Hugs from a huge complainer, and I know I have nothing to bitch about (Still being in my 20s, and all). Thanks for the preview on life. You are rockin’ the hair, and at least you have a sense of humor about the whole pre-menopausing thing, unlike my mother, who scares the hell out of me with her “Death to the World” philosophy. I’m starting to understand why my friends never wanted to come over in high school.
ETERNAL BOO ON BLOATING! Egg donation bloat makes you feel 5 months pregnant
pisceshanna’s last blog post..Good Morning
[...] Ree wrote a fantastic post today on The Ebb of Flo(w)Here’s a quick extract4 days per month where you’re NOT bloated; Wrinkles - with zits hiding IN the wrinkles; Hairs growing from your chinny-chin-chin; Periodic insomnia and/or panic attacks; Decreased sexual desire (Ooooh, this has got to be Mr. Hot’s … [...]
Dang that sucks. And of course, there are no REAL tips on how to deal with Middle Age Crisis, Menopause and Beauty Tips–’cuz Glamour and Cosmo and the rest of ‘em deny deny deny that it happens. They only mention it as a brief passage when they’re pimping soy pills and estrogen.
Melissa’s last blog post..Presumptions
Regardless about all the shitty bits, I have to say … you make 45 look, well, HOT.
alyndabear’s last blog post..I Guess You’d Call This a Grimace.
Regardless about all the shitty bits, I have to say … you make 45 look, well, HOT.
Hair - Fantastic!
Sex - haven’t wanted it for a while and have NO DRIVE!
boobs - I would like them perkier too - mine that is!
I’m not quite where you are but some of it still applies!
Wbppsh7’s last blog post..Hannah Montana
My line used to be that in the next life, I was coming back as a woman. Now, uh…not so much.
Sad part is that you are seeing all of these negatives in yourself, but your husband is still only seeing the beautiful woman he is married to. Perspective, love, perspective.
Namaste.
Phil’s last blog post..Hi Bert
Hey, we’re almost exactly the same age. And, yes, it sucks. Why don’t they show 45-year-old women those stupid-type movies the way they did when we were 11? Remember? Only now they would say, “You might notice your face getting saggier. Don’t worry! That’s a normal part of growing old….” I almost cannot stand to look in the mirror anymore.
suburbancorrespondent’s last blog post..Wherein We Are Still Sick And Still Have Mice
Your hair looks ggreat!
Sue’s last blog post..Accidents Happen, Yes They Do
Been there doing that, 49 next month. Ugh
Great article!
windyridge’s last blog post..Do You Like Your Internet Service?
Look! It’s my little sister. And we are going through the same thing. except I’m 48 and everything you said is true. I’m in day 20 of my period as I type this. But, I didn’t have one at all for 3 months last summer.And the ob/gyn I go to says, “Relax, you haven’t even started menapause yet.” he’s a guy, what’s he know? I’m so busy tweezing chin hairs that I almost have to grow another set of arms for the acne that springs up. I think they’re linked somehow. Tweeze a hair, get a pimple. Sheese!!