Jan 13 2008
How To…
…Really Piss Off—
- Your Retired Husband:
Decide to vacuum the living room because after eating all day in front of the NFL playoffs, there are crumbs everywhere. And, because, y’know, the carpeting is less than 2 years old - and since you have no small children, and don’t entertain - there is no reason to have stains on it. This is what you will hear:
I just vacuumed in there on Friday, gawddammit - when I cleaned the rest of the house.
What he really means:
You don’t appreciate everything I do on a daily basis and you obviously are just vacuuming because my housekeeping skills suck, not because you noticed the pile of tortilla chips and the dollop of salsa between the couch and the coffee table. Can I do nothing right? Geez. Why do I try. I just won’t talk to you the rest of the day.
- Your 16-year-old Son:
Wake him up at 11:00 a.m. after he went to bed at 2:30 in the morning. Because he has to get up at 6:30 the next day for school, and you know if he sleeps until afternoon, he’ll just exacerbate the problem. Also, because, y’know, he has to finish a project for school the next day. This is what you will hear:
Ugghghghgh. Snrxwesxts. Ughhgshghs. Why? It’s only 11. Srnxsnssxsssxx. Why???? Unnngggngnggn. Moooommmmmm. Just a while longer. Why do you hate me so much. It’ll only take an hour to finish. I have all day. Unnnngngggjgnhhhghg. I know people who don’t get up until 3.
What he really means:
Why should I get out of bed? I can just wait until the last minute and then you’ll be so worried that I’m going to flunk these classes and live with you forever that you’ll do most of the work for me. And I can bitch at you while you’re helping me because you want me to actually, y’know, learn something and I really don’t care as long as I get some WoW time in. Mmmmm, cold pizza in the refrigerator.
- Your Dog:
Pet the cats that are curled up quietly next to you while you’re typing a blog post. What he’ll do:
Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. I’m going to keep butting my nose up against your hand and try to crawl into your lap because Mom.Mom.Mom.Mom. Pet me. C’mon. Pet me. Let me sit on the laptop. Pet me.Mom.Mom.Mom.
What he really means:
I used to be the only pet in the house and you didn’t have wireless access. You used to sit and pet me for hours. Now, you had to bring those stupid ass cats in and they curl up on my blanket while you’re typing. I’m the baby in this house. Why don’t you love me anymore?
- Your Cat(s):
Pet them while they’re laying quietly next to you because you can’t think of the right word to type and their soft fur is irresistable. How they will respond:
Bite. Hiss. Claw. Bite again. Stretch by extending claws into the flesh of your thigh.
What they’re thinking:
Geez woman. What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Muss my fur again and I’ll leap up over your head and innocently rake my claws across your cheeks.
—- This concludes your friendly public service message from the Hotfessional household on a typical Sunday afternoon. —-
![[del.icio.us]](http://images.del.icio.us/static/img/delicious.small.gif){kind=small}
Makes you sort of look forward to getting back to the office, eh?
Surburban stole my reply! LOL!
Enjoy tomorrow…
Heidi
Heidi’s last blog post..Of Wine and Whine
Dying laughing here. You have great mind reading skillz.
Veronica’s last blog post..Weekly Winners, And The Big Reveal
You speak cat????
Wow.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Something I Said I Would Never Do
[...] Here’s another interesting post I read today by Hotfessional Home [...]
I must say, your psychic powers are amazing. Now, use those mental powers to harness your husband’s housekeeping skills;)
Go Pack!
(but so sad about the Colts today…even though SD got ROBBED of that interception)
Melissa’s last blog post..Football Fever
The 16 year old sounds like me in a morning, but I’m way older than 16. And I still live with my parents. Yikes!
Solomon Broad’s last blog post..Sunday 13 January
Heh. Love the translations. I may have to steal this idea for my blog. Hmmmm….
Sue’s last blog post..Accidents Happen, Yes They Do
I was so Shortman once upon a time…
Oh wait, i didn’t get up till 10 today… oh wait, Alex had me up every 90 minutes last night .. I win!
Dawn’s last blog post..Weekly Winners
Now, if you were talking about my cat, I would just have to wake up Little Dude and that would take care of things. I have the cat that likes constant attention, especially from me, though…
As for the Hubby, well, somehow I can get him going by doing very little…
RC’s last blog post..We?re moving into his place
Vacuum???? You vacuum???? Even when it’s already been done???? Oh wait……you said ‘new’ carpet!!!!! Ohhhhhh - newwwww carrrrpet. Ok……………..but it’s already been done………….oh dear, brain can’t compute
Can I borrow you to translate what my 8 & 6 year olds are saying?? You so deserve your name
Boneblower’s last blog post..My First Eva Meme???.
My darling Ree. Seeing you are showing off all your mind reading skillz and stuff what am I thinking????
I am thinking I love you and shit but stop moving the fucking comment box around and confusing me or I will be forced to come over there and drink all of your wine with you. AND the vodka.
Consider yourself warned.
Kelley’s last blog post..The jig is up.
Now wouldn’t it be so much simpler if we all said what we really mean in the first place? Just sayin……
Gypsy’s last blog post..Lazy days…..
Teehee! I love the one from the cats. They always repay affection with violence!
And I love the dinosaur picture a few posts ago! That’s exactly who I named my blog after. : )
Shelly’s last blog post..Amendment to Clueless
I hear ya. I had to push AS out of bed when I showed up at his place last night at 5 pm… and coerce him into finishing the work-work that he was supposed to have been doing all day. And, well, he’s 30!
Laurel’s last blog post..In Which My Boyfriend Takes On Jamaica, Mon
Hahahahaha Love it. I wish I had more people to decode for.
pisceshanna’s last blog post..Toddlerisms
Dude, 2:30 to 11 is PLENTY of sleep. I don’t blame you! I wish I got that!
Kristabella’s last blog post..Party-Free Weekend
Sounds like you need to take that sexy boot and start shovin’ it up some… what?
Sarcastic Mom’s last blog post..Screamie McGee
Your house seems like THE place to be. Even your pets talk? Awesome.
alyndabear’s last blog post..All About Alyndabear: The Revised Edition.
Hahaha, this is great.
Lela’s last blog post..Please Pass the Ketamine
Gah … Well, I hope the weather cooperates and all that jazz. And also, I wish I was available to have a cocktail with you, lady! It sounds like you’re going to need it!
Marianne’s last blog post..Another Attempt
you have a hubby who vacuums??? i am so jealous of you now.
zoe’s last blog post..Unfit for human habitation
LOL i love it, had me almost falling off my chair laughing
Marylin’s last blog post..Hmmm