Jan 19 2008
News from the Homefront
I’m a stepmother. I think I’ve mentioned it a time or two or seven. I love my stepchildren. They are wonderful people. They were 6 and 2 when Mr. Hot and I got married, and although they’ve never lived with us full time, they used to come north every year, and we had our fair share of adventures.
There was the time we spent New Year’s Eve at a motel in Ohio after 24 and 20 visited us during the holidays. They were, maybe, 14 and 10 at the time. Mr. Hot and I smuggled our favorite adult beverage into the pool area and watched the Hot children swim and play for hours. Once the clock sounded midnight, we all staggered (some of us more literally than others) back to the room. But on the way? We saw two open conference-type rooms, filled with tables and chairs where some church group had been having their own party. Also in those rooms? Pizzas. Of every variety. As I went ahead to make sure our own room door was unlocked, the criminals in the family decided to sneek away with 3 of the pizzas. From a church group, y’all?!?
Then there was the time, really early on in our marriage, when 20 (who was getting ready to turn 4) decided that she was fed up with us and decided to walk home to her mother’s house. Two miles away. She told us she hated us, picked up her little corner of satin blanket, her troll doll, and left. We watched from the window. She parked her little butt down on the curb out in front. Shortman started crying so I went to get him; Mr. Hot and 24 decided to go back to whatever they were doing. We figured she’d come back in a few minutes later. Nuh-uh. She was gone. Mr. Hot and 24 got in the car and started driving the way she would have walked. They came back. No sightings. They left again. I got a phone call from her mother’s neighbor, “Mrs. Hot? 20 is sitting here on the porch, and the ex-Mrs. Hot isn’t home. I thought the kids were staying with you this weekend?” I had to wait until Mr. Hot got back to tell him since Shortman was napping and cell phones hadn’t been invented yet. Before they returned, the ex-Mrs. Hot drove up, and I had to explain how Mr. Hot and 24 were looking for 20. Who was three-freakin-years-old and decided to walk home. Because she was pissed at us.
Yea, that went over well.
Needless to say, it’s been an interesting 17 years. Contact with the two of them, since they reached their teen years, has been sparse. I attribute it to distance, a very poor relationship between Mr. Hot and his ex, and fear. Mr. Hot’s fear that he’s intruding on lives that he didn’t have an active part in while they were growing up. Their fear that they have nothing in common with their father, who has another child with a wife that is not their mother. I know that Mr. Hot grieves because of it; the guilt he feels has always blanketed our marriage with a tinge of sadness.
Last week, Mr. Hot got an email from 24. He wants to move away from West-by-Gawd. He thinks he wants to go to graduate school. He looked at U of M, but can’t afford the out-of-state tuition. He never came out and said it, but everything seems to be saying, “I want to come stay with you.”
We told him he was more than welcome to come here. He’s working, but the place he’s working has stores nearby. He can establish residency and apply to grad school. He can save on rent and utilities and food. We think he’s coming. In the spring. We’ll re-arrange the basement, fix it up a bit, and he can have some privacy. Mr. Hot is walking on air. To him, it’s a done deal. Shortman is excited about having his brother, who he always adored, live in the same house.
I’m excited too. I love this kid. He’s quiet and loving. He’s never been any trouble. He’ll be a good influence on Shortman - one that I’ve always wanted for him. But I’m scared, too (and not just because living with three Hot men? Mah lawdies, y’all, I’m outnumbered enough as it is). Scared because it may not happen. May is 4 months away. A lot can change in that time. And if it does? Mr. Hot will have a long way to fall back to earth.
—- And I’ll be the one who has to pick up the pieces. —-
HOT LOVE
Oh wow.. that really is a bit of a tough situation. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it all turns out well.
Deutlich’s last blog post..Simple Saturday
[…] Ree wrote an interesting post today on News from the HomefrontHere’s a quick excerptThen there was the time, really early on in our marriage, when 20 (who was getting ready to turn 4) decided that she was fed up with us and decided to walk home to her mother’s house. Two miles away. She told us she hated us, … […]
Crossing fingers for you. Hopefully it all works out.
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The good thing at this point is that you already know the reality of the situation. Yes, something may fuck it up and you know that. Granted you hate to be the one to always pick up the pieces but there it is. You are Mr. Hot’s rock whether he knows it or not! The good thing is that it’s a possiblility that everyone seems very excited about. I hope that someone asked 24 if this is what he really wants to do. I know that it was insinuated but maybe you can contact and make sure?! 4 months is a long time high! Best of luck hon and I hope that it does work out for ALL involved - I really do!
wbppsh7’s last blog post..Better today
Wow, that’s exciting! Just be sure to give him tons of space, physically and emotionally. And PRIVACY. MOST OF ALL, PRIVACY.
I say this from experience.
SarahO’s last blog post..TODAY’S NEWS, BLENDED, NOT STIRRING.
Awesome!
One of my best friend’s husband just reconnected with his 23 y/o son. He moved up here from KY, with his wife, and is working for “his dad”. It sounds like the reconnection has been wonderful and began mending some of lifes gaps.
XXX crossing fingers for Mr. Hot XXX
Nancy’s last blog post..REACH !
Keeping fingers crossed that everything works out as this is great news!
Jules
House of Jules
HouseofJules’s last blog post..All his fancy book-learnin’ and he still wouldn’t know IRONY if it hit him in the mouth!
I am, or was, a step-mom as well. I raised my step-son from the age of 2 until our divorce when he was 14. In the end we were closer together than he was with either of his natural parents. Stay strong, whatever comes of this you can get through it.
Duckies Blog’s last blog post..An Unforgiving Religion – or a Government’s Show of Control?
Wow! That’s exciting and scary all at the same time. I’m sorry to hear the ex wasn’t always so “cooperative” shall we say but it happens. Shortman and Mr. Hot will be thrilled and where shall we send the vodka?
This is exciting and scary! I will keep my fingers crossed that everything turns out just right!
Erin’s last blog post..Show Yourselves!
Respect and lots of communication. You’ll need both, in spades, if this event comes to pass and the testosterone levels in your house increase so much.
Jen on the Edge’s last blog post..Jumping
I’m glad you’re crazy about the youngun. That helps loads. But woman? Three people with dangly bits? That is one load of testosterone psychosis in one place. HAH! And they mock PMS!
witchypoo’s last blog post..Brain Fog, No Excuse for Blogging Mediocrity
Hoping all goes well! I’m a second wife, but no stepchildren came with the Hubby… I can only imagine how challenging it is, but am glad you are kind-of looking forward to this!
RC’s last blog post..Chomp.
Oh my lovely, what a wonderful SM you are. I am hoping and praying to all the deities (gotta do them all cause one of ‘em has to be right ‘eh?) that this all works out.
Smootches to you and Mr Hot. I will do happy SQUEEEE’s when 24’s butt is firmly parked in your basement.
Kelley’s last blog post..The sorry tale of a little girl and Vodka/girls night out
Oh my dear Ree. I know so well how you feel. My husband’s parents split up and his mother moved him across the ocean from the UK to Canada. To this day, his father has been trying to make it up to Mike (even though it wasn’t his fault), and I can sense the desperation in his eyes, even when it comes to his grandchildren. His fear of not being able to see them enough, for them to know him, etc.
I hope, pray, send vibes to all the powers that be that this will work out. For Mr. Hot and for his eldest son. And for Shortman and you, too. It would be such an amazing thing to reconnect now (I suspect that even if it doesn’t happen this time, that sooner or later both his older children will want to have you all back in their lives, though).
Also, because I definitely wouldn’t want Mr. Hot’s heart to be broken again. Along lines I suspect have been broken and rebroken time and time again over the past 24 years.
Heidi
Heidi’s last blog post..While Waiting For “Lost” To Start Again…
How about looking at it like just another adventure? That way, if he doesn’t turn up (which doesn’t seem likely if he’s hinting at staying with you) it wont seem to hit your hubby so hard.
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Something to keep in mind either way - this too will change. It’s the one thing that is certain.
Good luck! We’ll be here with the firemans blankie catchie thingy if you need us xox
Boneblower’s last blog post..One of My Besties
My fingers are crossed for you guys.
Nic’s last blog post..What do I do on these trips?
What is it with three year old’s running away. I have one that did that. Don’t they know they’re supposed to be directionally challenged at that age and too afraid of getting lost to run off like that.
risingrainbow’s last blog post..A Baby Boomer Dreams of Arabian Horses - Rhythm’s Story - The Park
But he’s older now, so maybe he really means it and WILL move in and he and Mr. Hot can do some repairs and enjoy the rest of their lives better connected.
Ah, but all that testosterone. That will suck. (Last week I had Mr. D, my 3 sons and 3 of Mr. D’s baseball players holding court in my living room. I left.)
You are a good woman to support him.
And the 3 year old? And the ex? That’s kind of funny now, no?
Melissa’s last blog post..Gut Rot
I hope it happens!
And if not, I at least hope that Mr. Hot and 24 get back to being closer, no matter where he lives!
Kristabella’s last blog post..-2 Degrees IS As Cold As You’d Think
OHHH! That’s WONDERFUL! I hope it all really does work out!!
Carrie’s last blog post..eBay Sellers beware!!!!!!!!!!!!
ohhhhhh…..
and coming from someone who has the dad who didn’t live with the dad … Mr. Hot could score a lot of points with a monthly call/email/mail …. I’m just sayin’….. communication is a habit …. which reminds me I need to go leave my weekly message on my dad’s cell phone, followed by the email saying I left the message…. none of which will happen till the baby wakes out of my lap.
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(*hi there, just blog hopping!*)
Must be so hard to be a step-mother. I guess when kids are older they can look back and realize the story was two-sided… and you can reconnect.
Here’s hoping it works out for you and Mr. Hot… and if it doesn’t, you have five months to figure out another way for Mr. Hot to reach out to his kids. The older they get and the less they’re under Ex-Mrs. Hot’s thumb, the easier it might be to connect as adults. (I hope!)
Laurel’s last blog post..Maybe I Need a Therapeutic Lamp
Sorry to be late commenting, but I will have fingers crossed for all of you! I’m so glad that it would be such a positive for all of you id 24 came to stay with you. You are very lucky to have such a good relationship with your stepson and that your son is so close to him as well. Best wishes to you all!
Shelly’s last blog post..Pat Conroy
Thanks for the insight into what my future may look like. It makes the whole thought of it less traumatizing, knowing that someone out there has a handle on it. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
pisceshanna’s last blog post..Friends
You’re doing absolutely the right thing, of course. My husband and I are both products of big messy (in a good way) complicated families of steps and sibs: he has 9 stepsiblings, I have the more modest 2.
My father left his family when I was five, and couldn’t get beyond his guilt to reach out to my sister and brother and me. It took ME (when in college) to find him (hadn’t seen him in years) and establish a relationship. He had another family by then, married to a woman who already had two children who were just a bit younger than his.
My father and I had a very loving and careful relationship. It didn’t come easily or naturally. But he became one of my favorite people in the world. My brother and sister were offered numerous chances to meet him; they turned those down. I urged him to call them every week: he had all the numbers and emails. “NExt week!” he’d say. He was too afraid.
He died of a heart attack, out of the blue, 11 years ago. He never picked up the phone to call his other two children. They never tried to meet him.
Do they regret that? Yup.
Reaching out, in all the ways we can, is always the right thing, even when it’s complicated.
Mary’s last blog post..Still Waiting for Wave Four
I hope it all works out… (And wow - those were some great stories! Aren’t kids, um… fun?… sometimes?)
“I know that Mr. Hot grieves because of it; the guilt he feels has always blanketed our marriage with a tinge of sadness.”
God, Ree, I know exactly what you mean. My husband lives with this every day. His relationships with his children is ok…not great, but ok. My relationship with them after being married to their father is relatively non-existent. They tolerate me. It’s a difficult row to hoe.
Candy’s last blog post..The Crazy
Wow, that’s a big one. Fingers crossed it all works out and that Mr. Hot doesn’t have the downward tumble of disapointment.
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