Jan 23 2008
Tech Support
How much money do you think I could make by being a helpful technical support person?
I mean, yesterday I explained to a coworker that in order to find a date formatted field in an Excel spreadsheet, you had to change the search option from “search formulas” to “search values”. See, Excel doesn’t see the field that has “Apr-2008″ as having “Apr” in it. It sees it has having “4/27/2008″ or “39565″. I learned that back in the beginning days of Lotus 1-2-3 and once a spreadsheet geek, always a spreadsheet geek.
I also had to call our helpdesk today when I finally (finally, after two fucking days) figured out why I couldn’t access our salary administration program this year. See, this program only opens once every year, during January. It closes during February. Other than that? It doesn’t exist. After two days of back-and-forth emails (because Oh mah holy hell, we can’t answer those questions over the phone) with no resolution, during the ’shaving the legs’ phase of my shower this morning, it dawned on me. I’m using IE 7.0. I bet it only works on 6 since that’s the standard. So, this morning, I got a laptop that has 6.0 installed and voila-dee-da-dah! Access. (Yes, I called the helpdesk, cancelled my trouble ticket, and told them to add that answer to their knowledgebase. Because, I’m nice that way.)
Anyway, y’all? Remember this? The video card issue? Yesterday, I got in touch with Dell Technical Support. Here is the transcript of the online chat I had. I tried to just copy part of it, but it’s too priceless not to include the whole thing (pay special attention to the bolded lines):
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Session Started with Agent |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Thank you for contacting Dell Technical Support. My name is Dork NoHelp and my rep ID number is 1234576. How may I assist you today?” |
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The Hotfessional: “I have a Dell - purchased May 2007 - and I believe the graphics card is bad. Everything worked fine the day before yesterday. When the system was booted up yesterday, the message indicated that the system could not find the monitor. We exchanged monitor/cables with a monitor we KNEW to be working, and the system still did not recognize it. We can hear the signs of the operating system booting up, but there is no display |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Thank you for the information. I’ll be glad to assist you. Please give me one minute to pull up your account information. In the meantime, may I have your telephone number, along with the area code to update our records? Also, I would appreciate if you could provide an alternate telephone number as well.” |
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The Hotfessional: “daytime phone: 555-222-3333; alternate (evening) 555-333-2222 |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Alright, I have checked the records for the service tag provided by you while initiating this chat. Are we referring to Dell Dimension E521shipped with Microsoft Windows Vista?” |
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The Hotfessional: “Yes” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Hot, as you mentioned that you have tried exchanging the cables, did you try changing the monitor as well?” |
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The Hotfessional: “yes. cable and monitor.” |
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The Hotfessional: “And the monitor we were using works fine with a different computer” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Okay, For how long have you been experiencing this issue?” |
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The Hotfessional: “The computer worked fine Saturday evening. It was powered down for the night. Sunday morning it would not work. Today is Tuesday morning.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Okay, could you please let me know the color of light on the monitor power LED?” |
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The Hotfessional: “green” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Okay, do you get the Dell splash screen as the system starts?” |
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The Hotfessional: “How can i tell if I get the Dell Splash Screen if the MONITOR ISN’T WORKING WITH THE COMPUTER?” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Hot, I understand the issue.” |
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The Hotfessional: “Seriously. If the computer doesn’t recognize the monitor, how do I determine if I can see the splash screen? I am an I.T. Professional and have been for 17 years.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Allow me to explain, the reason why I am asking you for the dell splash screen is to confirm if the issue is with the graphic card or the monitor.” |
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The Hotfessional: “It’s not the monitor. The monitor works on a different computer. A different working monitor does not work on the Dell.” |
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The Hotfessional: “I have two monitors and two computers. Neither monitor works on the Dell. Both monitors work on the Sony.” |
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The Hotfessional: “I’ve also swapped cables.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Okay, I see. Now as you mentioned that you are not near the system, it will be difficult for us to isolate the cause of the issue.” |
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The Hotfessional: “It will also be tough for me to type when I cannot use the system.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Hot, I see that the system was shipped with a 256MB Geforce graphic card. Am I correct?” |
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The Hotfessional: “yes.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Okay, could you please let me know which section of the rear panel are you connecting the connector of the monitor?” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Is it some where in the middle of the rear panel or at the bottom of the rear panel?” |
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The Hotfessional: “The blue headed cable is plugged into the same blue port that it was always plugged into. As I indicated, I’m NOT in front of the computer, because I don’t have a display on it. If I remember correctly, it is nearer the bottom right hand side (if you were to look directly at it.) Blue headed cable. |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Okay, I see.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Hot, I would recommend that you check the options of video in system BIOS.” |
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The Hotfessional: “Please explain how I would do that without a display to read it.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Iam sorry Hot, I keep forgetting that you are unable to get anything on the monitor. That was bit silly. sorry about that. However, please try reseating the video card on the system.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Let me provide you the link that will assist you reseat the video card.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Will that be fine?” |
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The Hotfessional: “thank you. I would also like a ticket number identifying this issue in case I need to call Dell directly.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “certainly Hot, by the end of the chat, you shall receive an email containing the case number. please reply back to the email and I shall get back to you.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Also, would it be fine if I schedule a call back for you?” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Are we connected?” |
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The Hotfessional: “yes. That’s fine.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Thank you, I appreciate your cooperation here.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Thank you. I suppose the number given by you at the start of the conversation would be the right number to reach you, am I right?” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Are we connected?” |
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The Hotfessional: “No, if you need to call me while I’m in front of the computer, you need to call 555-222-3333″ |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Okay, will surely do that.” |
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The Hotfessional: “I will not be in front of the computer until 6 pm Eastern time this evening” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Could you please let me know what would be the best time to reach you?” |
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The Hotfessional: “6 pm Eastern” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Let me check that for you.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Hot, I apologize I would not be able to schedule a call back at 6Pm. However, I can schedule a call back till 5PM.” |
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The Hotfessional: “I will not be home at 5 pm. How about 7 pm?” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Hot, the resolution expert is available for call back till 5PM.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “So I can schedule anytime before that.” |
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The Hotfessional: “That’s fine. Schedule it for then. I will not be at the computer, but I will speak to whoever calls.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Alright Hot.” |
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Agent (Tech Dork): “Will surely do that.” |
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Session Ended |
Now, I never got the link that he mentioned, and the resolution expert that was supposed to call me at 5 pm? Never called. Someone (who couldn’t help me) called my work cell (which was NOT one of the numbers I gave in the transcript) at 6:15 and told me that the resolution expert was not going to call me at 5.
Serious-fuckin-ly?
He’s going to call me today at 6 pm. On the correct phone number. And is going to remote access my computer so he can see what is happening on my screen. (Yea, good luck with that buddy.) And if they determine that it’s the graphics card, they’ll send one right out.
“But do not to worry ma’am. You have warranty coverage.”
—- Shit. Where have I heard that before? —-
* Honestly, y’all. Word for word transcript. The only thing I changed was the phone numbers, the names, and Dork’s i.d. number.
![[del.icio.us]](http://images.del.icio.us/static/img/delicious.small.gif){kind=small}
I hate calling anyone (sometimes even my hubby the IT Geek in our house) about computer stuff or internet stuff. In the eight years Mr. Messy and I have been married I have learned more than most help desk tech’s know and it kills my brain cells to have to call and go through round one with them before I can talk to someone who know’s where the hell their ass is and why their head isn’t in it!
Lela’s last blog post..Ear-ish Conclusion
And they wonder why they are referred to as “Geeks”.
Be sure to poured yourself a tall one before round two starts!
Nancy’s last blog post..10 Things I Hate About You
Yeah, wonder why there is so much snobbery from help desk people?
They have a screen with a list of questions to check off, because God forbid they be smart enough to do real troubleshooting.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Ask witchypoo: The meaning of life
I could hear the tension growing in your voice with every question, because I, too, have been there. Calling Dell is almost as bad as calling Gateway. Or Yahoo! Now THAT’s a trip.
By the way, would you be the girl to help me with my Microsoft Word 2003 issues?
Candy’s last blog post..Candy & Bill’s Excellent Adventure
Goddamn. My husband’s an IT professional, too, and he has some Dell HORROR stories concerning everything from PCs to effing SERVERS. And this is a huge business account! Do they purposely hire nincompoops?
When I call I seriously want to reach through the phone and beat them senseless. That’s why I make my husband do it!
Ohhh… that makes me nauseous just reading it. Stupid tech support people.
Laurel’s last blog post..Authentic NYC Italian Approved
Oh the joys of the $9/hr tech geek…
Vanessa’s last blog post..A little remodeling around here…
I used to have AOL as an ISP. I once couldn’t connect (turns out the part in the telephone exchange was fried, but whatever), so I rang up, and spoke to someone who suggested I compact my personal filing cabinet. In a really strong Indian accent. Now I’m with NDO, and I love it.
Have a look here to find some more kindred souls.
Solomon Broad’s last blog post..Wednesday 23 January
[...] Ree wrote an interesting post today on Tech SupportHere’s a quick excerptThe Hotfessional: “I will not be home at 5 pm. How about 7 pm?” Agent (Tech Dork): “Hot, the resolution expert is available for call back till 5PM.” Agent (Tech Dork): “So I can schedule anytime before that.” … [...]
[...] Kelly wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptSomeone (who couldn’t help me) called my work cell (which was NOT one of the numbers I gave in the transcript) at 6:15 and told me that the resolution expert was not going to call me at 5. Serious-fuckin-ly? … [...]
Reading this makes me want to blow my brains out. I waved goodby - I hope forever - to Corporate America two years ago, and this gave me a level 5 flashback. Sonofabitch! Pray I never have suffer such misery again!
Katie’s last blog post..Cookies make everything better
Yahoo? You can TALK to Yahoo? Who knew?
Becky’s last blog post..But the emporer has nothing on at all!
[...] at Starbucks. CrankMama has a few choice words to say about Verizon. Updated: I just found this priceless exchange on [...]
Woah! That whole post is so over my head. I am technologically retarded, seriously. I can use excel, powerpoint and word and I know how to do stuff online but that’s about it. Ask me how to use formulas or where things are connected and LE SCREWED!
Lindz’s last blog post..Ode to Jen
dude.
I’m channelling Shortman here.
Dawn’s last blog post..Answers - 6 truths and a lie
You should have kept Dork Geek’s id # just so that we could verbally pummel him to his “connected” ass! ….. Are you there Hot? sorry, lmao!
wbppsh7’s last blog post..Little Gym: Parent and Child Class
[...] James: [...]
Well, I for one am thinking that it is a *good* thing that he does not work in a hospital. Can you imagine…
Patient: “I believe I am having a heart attack.”
ComputerMoronTurnedERAdmissionsClerk: “Are you having chest pains?”
Patient: “Yes, and I can feel pain in my left arm.”
ComputerMoronTurnedERAdmissionsClerk: “Are you having difficulty breathing?”
Patient: “Yes! I really think that I am dying here.”
ComputerMoronTurnedERAdmissionsClerk: “And, are you feeling any pain in your left arm?”
Patient: ((eyes rolling back in head, passing out in front of ComputerMoronTurnedERAdmissionsClerk))
ComputerMoronTurnedERAdmissionsClerk: “Ma’am. Ma’am? Can you hear me, ma’am? Well, I’ll be damned, I believe that she may have had a heart attack.”
DUH!
Are we connected?
Seriously stupid!
Veronica’s last blog post..Small Things and Yes I Know I Am Shameless
*whispers* Get a MacBook.
I love my baby. She is white and purdy and her name is Maya….
Wish I had an online discussion with the morons I had to speak to today. By the end I was so flustered I forgot all the stupid things they said. Damn.
Kelley’s last blog post..So what is it you do when you are not cleaning shit and toothpaste off the walls?
Oh my, that’s like dealing with the cable people, the telephone company and the insurance company! THANK GOD Mr. D works in the industry and just sends a tech along to the house whenever I run into trouble. I am damn lucky and I know it.
Melissa’s last blog post..All Domestic Today
I’m not surprised. All their support is outsourced and the quality is horrible.
Sea Monster’s last blog post..Fangtooth
Sorry, but I am laughing. Have had this experience too many times. Where do they find these people?
Fannie Mae’s last blog post..Three Weeks
Dude
You got a Dell!
WTF did you think? We use Dell’s at work (EPA), and the IT dept (contracted out of course) have boxes of bad motherboards, and emphasis on the word “MOTHER”. We have “cap” issues, I guess lots of caps were copied from one that had a flaw in it to start with, so they are dying off. But we are watching out for the tax payers, they are the low cost bidder, so they must be good.
LarryLilly’s last blog post..Its been a long time….
You wrote that so well, my blood pressure totally rose! I hate Dell with a passion, and have vowed never to buy another Dell. Purely because of their shitty customer service.
I hope they fix it today. But I am not holding my breath.
Good luck!
Heidi
Heidi’s last blog post..Neverland
Oh the horrors of tech support. Especially with Dell.
It sounds like you need a Worst Experience with Tech Support contest, too!
Amanda’s last blog post..Fizzy Orangey Goodness
Oh my, you are totally giving me flashbacks to when I worked with excel All The Damn Time.
I feel your pain. And, after having read the update first, all I can say is GOOD LUCK on Monday with the tech!
I have never talked to a tech person that knew anything.
That Excel stuff made me laugh, as I sat through an entire 8-hour class last week where it started off with “how do you go from one cell to the next?”
It was a LONG day.
Kristabella’s last blog post..Death Is Not An Option