Yesterday’s post was about cookies. Today’s post is from CookieBitch! Don’t you just love it? I didn’t even plan it that way.

She’s the sweetest Bitch you’ll ever want to know. (Don’t let her know I said that.) And she’ll see your comments here, so do let her know how much you like her particular brand of snark. Because, y’all, she’s hilarious.

Without further ado, let me present, the first guest blogger ever to grace the Hotfessional’s home… CookieBitch. (clap, clap, clap, clap)

And, don’t forget, when you’re done reading here, if you want to know something super secret about the Hotfessional - go check my guest post over at CB. It’s possibly more than you ever wanted to know.

———-

I have something in common with Hotfessional as we are both sexy woman of corporate power. Or at least that’s the way we like to think of ourselves, and if anyone questions this fact I’ll put my stiletto through their throat. I’m just sayin’ … don’t question us high-power types. We can get aggressive.

Being in this position means that we have both had to hire people. Many people. This process can be grueling, frustrating, and sometimes entertaining for one simple reason - most people are complete morons. That’s why they currently don’t work, or are seeking work before they get fired from their current job. The act of getting dressed in the morning is the most complex thing they can handle - and even that is done with a 50 percent success rate even after consulting a helpful 6-step guide - which includes pictures, of course.

Which brings me to my first common interview error - the way people dress. So many times I’ve had people show up to an interview looking like they just got out of a gutter, or were going to work later on the nearest street corner.

If someone shows up in jeans and a T-shirt to a corporate interview, I won’t even talk to them. If that is the best you can do, I don’t have a lot of confidence that you’re going to do any better on that project or report, so we might as well just part ways now and save each other a lot of time. Good luck on that career in farming, though.

Here are some other helpful hints about how to dress to an interview I shouldn’t have to mention - but will because so many people are obviously brain dead. Use an iron. Wear grown-up shoes. Mouthwash and deodorant are your friends. So are a brush and comb. Wear a shirt that isn’t stained, and has all its buttons. And no, a safety pin is not a substitute for a button.

My favorite interview dressing faux pas, however, came from a woman who mistakenly thought when she was coming to interview with me, that she was interviewing with a man because of a one letter mix up in writing down my first name. She thought she could win a man over by showing 90 percent of her breasts and wearing a skirt that barely covered her coochie. Little did she know my rack was way better than her’s and I was not impressed. Even though the men in my office begged me to hire her, I thought her tactics were cheap and desperate and an attempt to hide the fact she wasn’t confident enough in her skills to do the job. She did have a nice coochie though - well groomed.

But looking like a homeless person or a pole dancer are just one of many things you can do to fuck up in an interview if you lack basic intelligence. There are certain behavioral traits that will also keep you unemployed. For example, I had a guy interviewing to be a reporter who could not stop adjusting his package. I don’t know if it was a nervous habit, or if he is just so freakin’ huge he couldn’t get comfortable (in which case, may I just say, “Wow.”) But for the love of god, I don’t want to see that. I also really don’t want to shake our hand after you’ve been digging down there all day. EWW.

Gigglers don’t do it for me either. I understand you’re nervous, but if you sound like a 12 year old who just got passed a note that says “I like you. If you like me, check this box,” I am not going to take you seriously. Sorry.

And when you are waiting in a conference room with windows, be aware that I can see you picking your nose and wiping it under your chair. I’ll be sending you a haz-mat bill later, by the way. Also, don’t show up for a 9 a.m. interview reeking like you just consumed a fifth of tequila. Don’t show up for a 3 p.m. interview like that either - but at 9 a.m., it is just going to make me even more violent. If I have to be sober, so do you, buddy.

Finally, there are my favorite responses people give in an interview. First, there are the people who are TOO honest. I understand that you are trying to clear your conscience. But really, you should probably keep the fact you got fired from your last job for choking the shit out of one of your employees to yourself. And while you are at it, take your parole officer off your reference list, too.

When I ask you why you want to change jobs, don’t tell me it’s because your current job is too hard, and you’re looking for something easier. Also, don’t tell me how your boss is a jerk, either. That just makes you look like a jerk.

Look me in the eye when you talk to me too, not at my rack. And try to pay attention to the questions I ask. When you give me a blank stare, like you just can’t seem to concentrate, and ask me to repeat the question four times, I tend to think that maybe you are on drugs. Or possibly retarded.

I could go on and on, but the moral of this story is clear. When it comes to getting a job, or interviewing someone for a job, it is no longer just a matter of finding the best or most qualified person from a sea of applicants. No, in today’s world, it all comes down to just finding someone who is borderline competent and sane - who won’t embarrass you or your company and who may get some work done. And even then, sometimes that’s too much to ask.

— And that, my friends, is Cookie. Thanks Cookie - since I’ll be going on interviews myself soon, I’ll be sure to find out for sure whether it’s Jan, or Jon, interviewing me. I know better than to trust an admin to spell their boss’s name. —-

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