My Life as a Hotfessional

And on the 30th day working from home, I seriously considered bringing a bottle of wine upstairs to have during my lunch. Because, y’all? it’s been one of those days. The kind where everyone’s brains have been sucked out of their heads by some giant, invisible, ant-eater-type being that passes through the highways and byways of Corporate America with a vacuum attachment it sticks up employees’ noses. It turns on the motor and tttttthhhhppppppppttttttt - people who usually have some bit of intelligence are no longer functional human beings.

Therefore, I see no reason why I can’t suck down a 1/2 liter of my favorite Merlot with my hotdog. It would have saved me from beating my head against the wall when:

• I had a conversation with a vendor this morning and he wanted to know WHY I needed to know how many of his contractors were working for me. (Um, because I pay the bill?)
• I watched an overnight delivery van pull up to MY house with Sillygirl’s new package (the fourth try; and also wrong, by the way) instead of delivering it to HER house. Which is 70 miles away. Which would cost $77 in mileage for me to hand deliver. (Expense budget? Apparently not.)
• I found out that a new software implementation happened three months early (“We didn’t think it would be any big deal”, said the project manager) and caused some of our customer-facing systems to crash and burn.
• I got a phone call because someone issued duplicate login IDs for five people - four of which were unable to work for the rest of the day because only the first one logged in can use that ID.

When you think about it, I could have a headache from the head::wall thing, or a headache from the mouth::merlot thing. Seems to me that the mouth::merlot at least makes getting to the headache a bit more fun. (snort. snirk.)

Actually, though, not everything was bad today. Mr. Hot surprised me with a new 8 GB MP3 player that he got for a bargain basement price (A sansa e280 - pretty and shiny new) - and I’ve been loading music to it. Shortman can have my Samsung - it doesn’t hold as much, but hopefully, it won’t suffer the same fate as my IPod.

And! I get to tell you about my new commenters for the month of April! So go! Spread some love and see some new sites.

Old Knudsey - All the news that is too unreal to pass up.
Fiddy P - CommentLuv-er Extraordinaire
Frogdancer - She has a cat named Daphne and an awesome hairstyle!
Magpie - Uses “ephemera”in her tagline, yet claims her head is full of lint.
Ya Ya’s Mom - 3rd grade teacher who can quote the Wiki definition of flatulence.
Coast Rat - My new ‘down south’ boyfriend - with a Midwestern heart of gold y’all.
She Who Goes Gracefully - Another Kohl’s whore and a fellow Type A personality - they must go together.
Coastal Nest - Remodeling at the beach and elsewhere.
Snappy - Smart-talkin’ southern girl happy to explain Sweet Tea and grits.
OverThinker - Worrying IS an art, and we share a coveted place at the Louvre.
Angelawd - Mother of Teens and former Michiganian…with her own freelance writing company.
Arwyn Skye - Ivy’s best friend - trying to keep control when others are trying to steal it.
Battling Chaos - She calls her teenagers “The Recliner” and “Banshee Girl”. Her pets have normal names though.
Kate - South Dakota is freakin’ cold, but she’s got fuzzy slippers to help her through her recovery.
Quin - New Orleans outlook transplanted to NYC tells you about her version of life.
Kathy - The Attention Craving American Sweetheart - Because she says so!
Charles Jeter - Derek’s techie-expert 2nd cousin who gives excellent blogging advice.
Sensitiva McFeelingsly - A new road warrior blogger; someone to share stories with!
Charlotte - A rocket scientist (really!) with a bun in the oven.
The Bloggess - How can you not love someone who has posts titled “Free Booze” and “High”. Where has she been all my life?
Lina the Fish - She’s traveled to more countries than I have states. She’s another green-eyed girl.

—- Oh, and if you go visit Grateful Guy, tell him that the Hotfessional sent you! —-

MeMarie’s Scavenger Hunt Participants should CLICK THIS!!!!

In the past two days:

• Sitting here at my desk, with Shortman sitting next to me at his computer, I hear him tell a friend, “I’m logging off at 4:15 because I’m going to the movies with my brother.”

• Seeing them laugh at Mr. Hot’s 9th grade yearbook picture - circa 1971…. Yea, so we all looked funny then.

• Watching them drive away to catch the Tuesday cheapie matinee - in MY car. (WTF?)

• Having the four of us sitting at the kitchen table that was, until last week, pushed firmly up against the wall so that only three chairs were usable.

• Hearing them offer to swap chores, “I’ll do the cat litter if you vacuum the living room.”

—- It is rather fun having them both in the house. —-

Is it any surprise I find it a bit difficult to get any work done?

Yes, that’s my desk. I work like this, with one or the other of the cats spreading out in front of the window and shedding (oh, mah holy hell, the shedding in this house, between two cats, the dog, and me!) like crazy all over my papers.

And even more fun - guess what I got in the mail today! Return address - Austin, TX.

Sigh, no, it was not a bare nekkid picture of Matthew McConoughey. It was from the I.R.S.

It was NOT good news. Seems that I fucked up made a teeny tiny little mistake on my 2006 tax return. So I get to spend this evening figuring that out. Um, oops. Whee, fun! (I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible, of course.)  Why yes, that is my checkbook in the picture.

So, in return, I’m giving you the April Hotlights - Recipes: Yum, yum, yum. Go look around and enjoy….

First up, my darling Mr. Lady and her Super Saturday Suppers (who, by the way, has a video up today and she is showing some cleavage….). I love this damn easy Brownie recipe.

Lyvvie, over the pond in Scotland, told me about Cooking With Dog. And All Recipes. What she left out was that she’s a marvelous source of inspiration in the kitchen herself.

Dizzy Lizzy (bow your heads in memory - her computer crashed today - and we pray she’s back soon) knew I’d start drooling immediately upon heading over to Baking Bites. Especially when I scrolled down and saw this and then? Peanut Butter and Jelly muffins. Pass the napkins - my keyboard is getting wetter by the picture.

Andrea, over at SchizoFrenetic, sent me Cooking Light. After that last site, I’m going to need this. Seared Salmon. And just in time for our favorite May holiday (well, except for my birthday and Mother’s Day) - tequila!

The Yummy Mummy Cooks Gourmet was brought to this page by Veronica - who has her own hilarious take on cooking with a toddler. Warning! Do not read Yummy Mummy with anything, food/drink/your fingers, in your mouth. You will either choke or your monitor will end up wearing it. (Hey, don’t blame me if you don’t take that advice.)

And this month’s overachiever (I love her for her shoes, but she’s also a damn special kitchen whore) - Lys at Just Because… Three of her favorites are: Erin Cooks, Flanboyanteats, and The Pink Shoe Cookbook. I gained 10 lbs just reading through these three sites. Thanks Lys! (And I only mean that half sarcastically!)

—- Now excuse me while I go drink myself into a stupor rob the nearest bank sell myself on the corner look for my 2006 tax return. Do you think they’ll accept Shortman and Moody as collateral? —-

Please go read Catherine’s post. She’s been through so much this week already, what with having a bunch of internet weirdos saying she’s a bad mother? (Oh, wait, she calls herself that. Well, they were way over the damn line.)

—and—

You are my Inspiration - It’s sad that I didn’t have very many women available to mentor me when I was getting started in the business world. Don’t get me wrong, the women I knew early on (in the ’80’s y’all….) taught me things. Mostly what NOT to do. (Especially the bitch who called me “abrupt, abusive, and abrasive”! Can you fuckin’ believe it?) But since then, I’ve been in mentoring programs - both as a mentor and as a mentee (try to say that word without snorting - I always think of a very fat, blubbery sea mammal) - and the experiences are invaluable.

—- Now, Mr. Hot is cooking ribs on the grill, and my only contribution is to clear off the table, which means I have to shut down the laptop.  Please do good my darlings.  Whether than means a contribution or a link - do whatever you can.  —-

The seasons change and so do I. (U2 - Indian Summer Sky)

Fall

Winter - funny, this site was broken that day, too.

And now, finally, Spring.

When Mr. Hot, Poopy and I first arrived, it was chilly, overcast and windy.

As we were walking, this red-winged blackbird said Hello! It sounded more like, Get outta mah face!, but whatever.

Then we stopped to watch Mr. Blue Heron, sure that Poopy would scare him away. He stuck around though.

I heard flapping, and this guy flew past

I was shocked that Poopy didn’t follow him into the water. (Although, the one time he did jump in a river after a goose, it was obvious that he went by instinct only. The look on his face, as he came out and shook scummy goose-shitty water all over us, was “WTF Dad?”)

Mr. Goose executed a wonderful landing. And still, the Heron didn’t leave. So we continued on. Next we came to these two.

These, Poopy did chase. He only went into his knees into the water, though. Then he fell into a hole and I was laughing too hard to snap his picture as he came out, shook, and looked at Mr. Hot with his WTF, Dad? look.

Further along our walk, we stopped to admire the view.

Here’s another:

And then, we walked under this. And I knew, that finally, Spring had come to our favorite spot:

—- Can’t wait for tomorrow’s walk. —-

I’m home - and only slightly hung over! The really disgustingly greasy Egg McMuffin with Sausage, Hashbrown patty, and Sweet Tea breakfast that I had at 5:50 AM (yes, that would be early-fucking-morning), helped tremendously. As did the nap I took from the time we pulled away from the gate at O’Horror (on time….make note!) until the pilot bounced the plane on the runway in Detroit.

I was suitably mortified when the flight attendant asked me if I had a nice sleep as she said, “Buh-Bye”. Did I snore? Oh mah holy hell, I bet I did. I really need to start including some, oh, food in my day when I have these “events” to attend. Dinner at the retirement party last night was 1 meatball, 2 carrot sticks, a piece of bruschetta, and a cauliflower thingie. And although I managed to make sure that I went three days(!) without having a dinner expense to report, (thanks again, Bossy and SK), I’m sure my liver is wondering when the hell I’m going to be normal again. (That would be tonight!)

So, 24 is moved in. He originally said, “I have my clothes and a desk.” Then it was, “I have my clothes, a desk, and a bookcase.” Then! “I have two bookcases.” (In addition to his clothes and the desk.) I’m guessing that the basement is a little, um, crowded with piles of OUR stuff in front of the washer and dryer. I’m guessing that because Mr. Hot said, “Don’t think I’ll be able to wash any clothes until I rent a U-Haul and make him move his own ass out - good thing you work from home - we’ll all smell like butt.”

My darling husband was thrilled to see me walk in the door this morning. I have no idea why, as it’s not like I’m going to say something about it all when he’s already up here, unpacked, set up, and sprawled all over my couch looking for a job. Oh, did I mention? That job that he was transferring to? Um, apparently not available. Or some such shit.

Did I mention that this kid is moodier than a 15-year-old girl? I think I may change his alias. (Moody. I think it suits.)

Aaaaannnnywayyyy. Mr. Hot was happy to see me (and not because he thought he was getting cookies, because, uh-huh, not tonight dear, I’ve been up since 4 a.m.). I think having another “real adult” in the house calmed him down. Either that, or he figured I was using this alcohol-filled business trip as an opportunity to maybe, oh, suffer from amnesia or something and leave him with his two clones sons - and now he’s going to lock me in the bathroom and never, ever let me leave the house without him again.

(I may have to come up with a secret code - and if I blog that code? You must.come.rescue.me!)

So, can you stand yet another stupid employee story? I was in the grocery store this evening and my Crackberry started buzzing. I read the message - from the Human Resources Dept.

Hotfessional,

I received a call from Sillygirl. Sillygirl received her severance information package and determined that the calculations were based on her pre-2008 salary. I know that Sillygirl was out on Short Term Disability, but did you notify us to flip the switch on her merit increase on January 1 when she returned?

Sincerely,
HRLady

I responded:

HRLady,

When Sillygirl returned from Short Term Disability, I asked HRGuy if there was anything I needed to do to make sure her merit increase got processed. He said that as long as her supervisor sent in form 230STDReturn, her compensation would be adjusted. I know that Sillygirl’s supervisor sent that form in.

My question is, since she returned on January 2nd, and those raises were effective January 1st, why didn’t she notify us that her increase wasn’t appearing on her paychecks?

I’ll find the email from HRGuy as soon as I get home - and I’ll also send you the approval for Sillygirl’s increase.

Regards,
Hotfessional

Got that y’all?

Our merit increases are effective annually on January 1st. This woman came back from disability on January 2nd. The policy states that if you’re not “actively employed” on the first of the year, your increase is not effective until you return to work. But, when you return to work, it gets paid retroactively…blah, blah, blah.

I know - you’re looking around the room and wondering if I’m going to bother to get to any point. But stay with me here for a minute, eh?

We get paid on the 15th and last day of the month.

January 15th. January 31st. February 15th. February 29th. March 15th. March 31st. April 15th.

Seven-fucking-payrolls.

And she never told anyone that her increase didn’t get processed.

I understand that her take-home pay could have changed at the beginning of the year. I mean - taxes change. Benefits co-pays may be different. But, y’all? Please tell me that I’m not anal-retentive weird a nutcase alone in that I would have checked my damn paycheck with a fine-toothed comb if I was told I was getting an increase AND told that I’d get paid retroactively back to the effective date.

Anyone?

Should I get fitted for a white coat with really long sleeves and a self-tie belt, or would you, maybe? just possibly? notice that your gross-semi-monthly-salary hadn’t increased?

—- I bet they’d wash my pretty white coat at the hospital though. —-

…but an open bar is.

see more crazy cat pics

I’ve run out of time to write a post - and must go steal an early drink or 7 set up for tonight’s retirement party. I’m not even going to pretend that I’ll be able to write a decent post later on, so I’ll catch y’all tomorrow.

—- I’ll be at O’Horror at 6 a.m., that should provide you fodder. —-