Apr 08 2008
Dateline Chicago
(The Good vs. The Bad)
4:15 a.m. - The driver backs up ever so slowly into my very long driveway. Mr. Hot comes into the bathroom where I have just stepped out of the shower.
“You won’t need to worry about Metro Cars being late. They’re already here.”
“What? An hour early?”
9:15 a.m. - Mr. Hot calls me.
“Remember when I told you the driver was backing up really slowly this morning? He broke off about a 15-foot piece of driveway - not just cracked it, broke it completely, fucking off. The asphalt is laying in the grass and you can see where his tires went right into the yard.”
I told him to take pictures so I can call the car company. Dumbshit drivers. Why they feel the need to back up a driveway they’ve never been to before is beyond me. In the dark. Thank you, Mike-the-asshat-driver who so kindly introduced himself and thanked me for the tip. You’ve probably just cost me $200 in driveway patching and repair. Bite me.
7:00 a.m. - Pilot comes on intercom:
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to O’Horror International Airport. Since we’ve arrived 10 minutes early, there is an airplane at our gate. We’ll taxi to the gate as soon as they leave.”
7:20 a.m. -
“Ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated. We’re about 50 feet from the jetbridge due to some equipment that was left and needs to be moved.”
Excuse me, Mr. Airport-Wave-the-Stick-Thingie worker? Could you please move your shit? Pretty please with sugar on top? I’ve had 2 cups of coffee and I’m about to piss my pants, and since we got here so freakin’ early, the flight attendant wouldn’t let me use the bathroom, and now I’ve been sitting here for a whole hell of a lot longer than I expected. Someday, after you have had children or your prostate decides to start growing, you’ll know exactly what you’ve done. Bite me.
7 :45 a.m. - Calling home to check in.
“Hey sweetie. We just landed. How’s the weather there?”
“It’s supposed to rain. Hold on, let me see what it’s going to be like in Chicago today.”
“No, really, it’s okay. I’ll find out when I get down to the city.”
“No, really, it’s no problem, just let me, wait, damn it, why isn’t this thing working? Hold on.”
“But I need to get to the train.”
“It’s going to rain there.”
“Oh, okay, well, I’m heading downstairs I’ll talk to you later.”
7:55 a.m. - The Hotfessional gets to the bottom of the escalator for the Blue Line. She hears: “All Aboard. Doors closing.” And runs in her cute heels, dragging her suitcase and lugging her laptop towards the train which is a mere 10 feet away. Then it’s 12 feet away. Then it’s 15 feet away. Oh, and Mr. Train Conductor? Bite me.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Next time, remember. Do not call Mr. Hot before you get on the train. It will only screw with your timing and you’ll end up sitting next to the woman with the hacking cough and snot-filled handkerchief. The one she keeps waving around as she talks to her “friend” (and by “friend” I mean the imaginary being that apparently followed her onto the train).
Oh, did I mention? I’m in Chicago. For 1 day in the office, and 2 in an “Executive Leadership” conference in a hotel.
8:45 a.m. - At my desk, finally. I hang up my coat, stow my suitcase out of the way, get some money to buy a bagel and coffee. I try logging on before I head down to the cafeteria. No connection. No network at my desk. The desk with my name plate and my phone and all of my stuff.
“Hello, helpdesk? I’m having problems connecting to the network. Looks like my network jack has been disabled.”
“Okay, what’s your jack #? What floor are you on? North or South side? What color underwear are you wearing today?”
“N38-2876, the 20th floor, North side, and black lace.”
“Alright Hotfessional. Your ticket # is 973262 and the ETA for resolution is 2 - 3 business days.”
8:46 a.m. -
“Excuse me, did you say 2-3 business DAYS? To get me connected to the network? To be able to do my job? This isn’t a new setup. This is broken. If it’s going to be 2-3 days, I’ll be back home.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry, but this vendor takes 24 hours to process a request.”
“Okay, whatever. Just put a Sev 1 on it, and get them here as quickly as possible.”
Y’all? WTF? Two to three business days to flip a friggin’ switch in a closet somewhere to re-enable something that obviously should not have been shut down? I’m thinking about calling it a day, heading over to my hotel and ordering a bottle of top-shelf vodka and some grapefruit juice. I’ll hook up my wireless, order room service, smoke, and blog. Because, y’all? It’s only 9:57. a.-fucking-m. Hey Network Vendor? Bite me.
—- However, someone did search for “replacement knees deKuyper” and ended up here. I don’t know about you, but anything made with deKuyper does make me wish for replacement knees. —-
HOT LOVE
oh, I’m so sorry … really … even though I’m sitting here, laughing, I’m feeling VERY sorry for you …
moo’s last blog post..wordpress, what the hell?
Sounds like the day from hell. Still funny, though.
Grateful Guy’s last blog post..The “Things I’m Grateful For” April Contest
Lets go find the switch ourselves.
That should be a pretty good adventure!
Julie’s last blog post..sfigato, paletot, perdedora
Sounds like my work. It took them almost a week to get me a computer. Which, what the hell am I supposed to do when I have no computer? I ended up reading a book after I read every issue of the company newsletter.
Kristabella’s last blog post..The Internet Is A Marvelous Place
I know I shouldn’t be laughing but I can’t help it. I’m not sure which is funnier, the lady with the imaginary friend or the 2 -3 day wait from the helpdesk. Good luck and enjoy the smokes.
Only 10 a.m. and all that already? You poor thing! I vote for the vodka and OJ, but vodka and pineapple juice? TO DIE FOR!
k8’s last blog post..Therapy Tuesdays
[…] Once again, The Hotfessional has made me laugh. […]
Oh my goodness. Not a good way to start.
barbra’s last blog post..smart, or smart-ass?
4:40pmCDST
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! De-ja vue! This sure sounds like my itinerary with the airlines lately! Last Christmas, when I was trying to get home to Madison, flying AA from Gulfport through Dallas, what was supposed to take 5 hours, took 32 1/2 hours, with an overnight at O’Hare, and finally a bus ride from there up to Madtown. I should post the experience sometime, but I think pretty much anyone who has flown recently probably has their own horror story… Sorry about your day, Ree; on the flip side, it was sunny, with a nice breeze and 80 here today!
coastrat’s last blog post..DURHAM EASTER MEMORIES
Oh man - - I work as an Online Support Technician and supervise workers at a community college. If I or my workers EVER had a response time like that, we would be out on our asses! That is ridiculous!
But - - there IS the vodka to look forward to . . .
Liz J in Illinois’s last blog post..Brief Dad Update
Sounds like tech support could use some “executive leadership” courses themselves.
I vote for lots ‘o vodka and whatever-the-hell juice you can get your hands on.
Hyphen Mama’s last blog post..Some People Are Just Oblivious
ha.
ha. ha. ha.
oh, and ha, again.
thanks.
quin browne’s last blog post..Slacking Off
c’mon, admit it. Every single thing that happened a little voice in your head went ‘I am so blogging this’ didn’t it?!
that is the beauty of stupidity and suck arse days, you can turn it around into a snarky blog post and people will love you all the more for it.
Now where is the freaking photo of the cute heels???
Kelley’s last blog post..Bouncy castles and idiots at the Psychic festival.
This made me have to pee!
amanda’s last blog post..Can’t wipe the grin off
So, uh, saying ‘have a good trip’ is kinda unnecessary at this point, right?
Michael C’s last blog post..Important Information Concerning Blogging
Good grief!! I hope you went with the vodka. And then smacked the idiot at the help desk with the bottle.
Twisting Ivy’s last blog post..Basket Of Eggs
…and yet I keep reading and thinking your life sounds like so much fun. Missed trains aside.
Lyvvie’s last blog post..SBD Someone To Love by Jude Deveraux
Ugh! I feel for you. I hope you did have that vodka. Straight.
Heidi
Heidi’s last blog post..(Not Quite) Wordless Wednesday
Welcome to Chicago, if our office was still in the city I would have bought you a coffee. Oh, and thanks for the underwear update.
Married Leos’s last blog post..Good Morning Sunshine
Maybe you need an IV drip of that vodka.
So well written though, I am giggling away.
Veronica’s last blog post..Letters…
Ree,
Do you think you could write a book? Please? I would buy it in an instant. You have such a way with words and making an ordinary day so interesting! Hope your trip home is smooth and peaceful…Mr. Hot better have a hot bath waiting for you…some candles and a tumbler full of vodka! You deserve it!
Jodi’s last blog post..TGH Updated
Oh my. You should write the book on ineptitude in business, airline travel and transportation. I’d buy it and I’m not even IN those lines of work!!!
Melissa’s last blog post..Static! Slush!
Groan… this is why I’m glad I don’t travel for business. The stupid mistakes really do seem to accumulate.
Laurel’s last blog post..Now It’s Your Turn
Don’t you wish you had the Network Drive guy’s job? Where your work is so unimportant you can wait 2 -3 business days to get around to doing it.
So this is going well so far hm?
Candy’s last blog post..Black Comedy
I’m so sorry, but when you said that you were heading back to the hotel room for vodka and hooking up your wireless - I kind of breezed over it and then my imagination kicked in. You were going to use the underwire from your bra to rig the network connection! Sorry - I hope that by 10:01 you were on your way back out the door and to the hotel.
Wbppsh7’s last blog post..Feelin? good on a Monday.
Welcome to the city of shit ass weather my dear.
I can be at your hotel in less than an hour… I’ll bring a large LARGE bottle of the liquor of your choice:) HA HA HA HA!
I hope the rest of your short trip goes well.
Angel’s last blog post..?Could you beeeee any more random??
Well, if that doesn’t chap your ass I don;t know what will! I agree, if they can’t make it possible for you to do your job then just go home!
Hope tomorrow is better!
talina’s last blog post..The job search begins!
I flew up from Vegas to SLC this weekend to finish stuff up at the house and at work. When I got to the house with my suitcase and cleaning supplies, I realized I didn’t have a house key. I’d left them in Vegas.
As you would say - oh mah holy hell. I’m an idiot.
I hope they got you back online.
Sue’s last blog post..Through the Looking Glass
I think I sat by that same person on the train once.
I’m back. Kinda. Thanks for sticking with me.
Dawn’s last blog post..Oh Easter, You are Such a Bitch
Business travel is SO glamorous.
Funny, sometimes, too!
SarahO’s last blog post..Yes, Another Cheap-o Video Day.
Do you ever get the feeling you just shouldn’t have got up in the morning? Forget the juice, just chug-a-lug that vodka straight out of the bottle my dear. About half way through things should start looking up….hazy…but definitely looking up.
Gypsy’s last blog post..Mute Monday: Power
Jeez… That sounds like a whole lotta no fun. I’m sorry, Mrs. Hot.
Marianne’s last blog post..Whining as a Career
*Bite Me* is my FAVORITE all time fuck off. I even collect it on t-shirts. Seriously. I have 5 t-shirts from various places and they all say BITE ME.
Hotel. I need a hotel break. With vodka. Or tequila. I wouldn’t be fussy.. either would be fine.
flutterby’s last blog post..Really Bad Mom-ness
Tell me where in Chicago you can drink and smoke…I’ll make sure my company sends me there next time
mp’s last blog post..I Heart Jason Castro