May 12 2008
A Post in 3 Parts - warts and all.
I think I’m getting the plague. Or something.
Which is strange considering that a) I hardly ever get sick AND b) I haven’t hardly been out of the house. Can breathing your own air make you sick?
My ears are all stopped up - I may as well have my head under water. Which is going over real well with Mr. Hot. “Huh?” “Wha?” “Sorry, huh?” He already claims that I don’t listen to him. (But at least normally, when I choose not to listen to him I can hear him! He shouldn’t feel bad now, right? Because I really can’t hear what the fuck he’s saying! So the listening? Not a choice.)
Of course, I’m going to get my head shots on Friday, so let’s just be really miserable by then! Let’s make sure death sounds like a less-shitty option. Yay!
***lalalalalala***
MomandDad came over to my house yesterday because Dad fixed my birdhouse and made me some drawer-rails for my dresser so the drawers would stop falling out on my toes. It rained all day long. The plan was to head over to the bakery to pick up some goodies and grab Mom a present before they got to our house. (Mother’s Day….Mom needs presents….even though I didn’t get any. I’m not bitter. Ha.)
Mr. Hot didn’t want to go out in the rain. (Snirk. Yea, right, he’ll melt. uh. huh.) So, even though MomandDad were supposed to be over at 1, I procrastinated until 12:40. Shush - the bakery is only 7 miles away. And a stop at the garden center to pick up a bunch of flowers or something wouldn’t take long. After all, when MomandDad say “One o’clock”, they really mean two-ish. Or thereabouts. Or “sometime that same day…y’know - the same day as the one o’clock day”.
I got to the bakery - picked up the goodies (hummus, bread, baklava and mahmool) - and left and it was only 12:53! (I rock. I also drive fast when necessary.) I ran into the nursery, grabbed a bouquet of purple roses and lilies and this:
for her garden - because he was so damned cute. (I think she should name him Steve. Do you think he looks like a Steve?)
Aaaaannnnnyyywayyyy, I turned onto our road (1.1 miles from home) at 12:59 pm - figuring I was golden! I had plenty of time. I could run upstairs, grab a card…write something sentimental and tear-jerky in it, and still have time to handcraft some wrapping paper ala Martha Stewart before they arrived.
Because on-time? And The Hotfessional’s MomandDad? Are not on speaking terms.
Except, apparently, yesterday. Because they were already there. At 1:0-freakin-4.
Oh well. No card, no handcrafted paper. Just a bag (paper, though! It wasn’t plastic!) and a Happy Mother’s Day!
Still, isn’t that one cute toad?
***lalalalalala***
And because I’ve subjected you to too much whining and moaning lately, here are some search term gems:
- business casual walking shorts 2008 - y’all? my business casual wardrobe is now cut-off sweats, a t-shirt, and slippers. (Kelley - look away, you’ll disown me)
- city shorts business casual - No. Just no. If you’re one of the women who worked in my office setting, do NOT wear city shorts. Please.
- all-green dry penis - Um. I’m sorry. I bet you can find a prosthetic one that is realistic though after yours falls off. Veronica or Cookiebitch may know where. And maybe next time you won’t do whatever it was you were doing.
- what would you do if you knew you could - Good question! Unfortunately, I’m 45 and don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
- quotes from superbad lemonade - “Ewwwwww, this stuff sucks.” “Tastes like piss!’ “Just give me straight vodka next time!”
- natasha richards revealing dress - I can tell you with 100% certainty that I have never written about natasha richards. I don’t have a clue who she is…but I think she’s the one that Mr. Hot was ogling the other day.
- hotfessional - Yes? that would be me. As opposed to witchypoo - who is not me.
- stats how many people feel bluetooth is - better than green tooth? Let’s vote shall we?
- another birthday got it right- yea, got it right in the gut. Oh mah holy hell, let’s not think about it, okay?
- have you sunbathed topless - Well, yes, I have. Y’all, here’s a hint. Use sunscreen. Lots and lots of sunscreen. SPF-783 is probably about right.
—- And for those of you wondering. - Mr. Not-the-husband drove up at 12:20 p.m. today and didn’t leave until 3:18. Guess they had the weekend to make up for. —-
HOT LOVE
If you see Husband drive up while Mr. Not The Husband is there, throw up your window, lean your plague ridden head over the side and blog the happenings real time.
Dingo’s last blog post..West Nile is not a Vacation Destination
SLIPPERS?? HOT! What happened to sassy shoes??? I’m heartbroken…
As for Mr.NotTheHubby - I have to agree with Dingo - what you see you need to realtime blog that mess *LOL* Better yet - one can film it and upload it to YouTube??
Lys’s last blog post..Lesson Of The Day…
Nice frog! Mr. Hot obviously owes you BIG TIME now, since he wouldn’t go and run your errands yesterday for you on Mother’s Day! Or, are you just holding that I.O.U. for PAYBACK later!?? If those are your feet and slippers, Ree, glad to see it; You deserve some relaxin’ time!
coastrat’s last blog post..DINOSAUR LOVERS
OMG! I’m drinking tea, and laughing, and better run to the bathroom quick.
“all green dry penis”!!! That is the funniest search term ever… and wow, pretty damn scary to encounter I’m sure. lmao!
And I absolutely love the toad. I LOVE funny ugly lawn ornaments. lol! I’m jealous, I want him for my garden. =)
Thank you for the laugh!
Twisting Ivy’s last blog post..I Don’t Do Happy
Mr. Not-the-husband must have a prescription for Viagra, because two hours and 58 minutes has to be some sort of record.
And are you documenting all this? Dates, times, photos?
Jen on the Edge’s last blog post..To do
Lawdie, how you crack me up! The sick thing? It isn’t so much going out as going out and returning with other people’s germ cooties on board. Who isn’t a handwasher in your house? I have seen the disgusting things people do with their hands and then use them to open doors, etc. But I’m not a germophobe, oh, no, not me.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Grace
Steve is a great name for that frog. Or Bruce.
barbra’s last blog post..Sunday!
I think he’s a RRRRobert! His sister (RRRRoberta, natch) lives by my pond. I’ve got the strep but I’ve got my mask on so I don’t infect ya’ll through the interwebs. Hope you feel better soon.
Shania’s last blog post..I could only hope to be this brave
So glad I found your blog, even though I practically peed my pants reading this. Love your search terms, who the heck is searching for a green dry penis anyway? Yikes!
Melinda’s last blog post..3 Ways to deal with Someone who pisses you off
I think I like Steve. And I’m not big on fake critters in my lawn or garden. But Steve, I could get used to him…
So lovin’ the neighbor updates, still… I think you should make them paranoid somehow, but I still have to work on the plan.
RC’s last blog post..Working in the medical community
He DEFINITELY looks like a Steve.
Maybe they wanted a dry penis made of all-green products? Like for carbon credits? A green penis and all the good energy that comes from orgasms must be a plus, right?
And I vote for purple tooth.
Veronica’s last blog post..How To….Survive Bedtime
Hmm…I really like the toad. But, I think that you have managed a new-found LOVE for those little, greenish-blue, block looking things that are fashioned to function slightly like bullets LOL
My mom’s always late too. I used to tell her that I had to be somewhere a half an hour before I ACTUALLY had to be there. Just so that I would make it there on time!
Green Penis ~ Ummm….Someone should get that shit checked out at the clinic.
Guess which line caught my attention? No, not even the penis. It was the baklava you bought at the bakery. I’m drooling. Do you know how much I love that stuff. It is so easy to eat. Just take a few bites and everything else will fade away. I promise.
I’ve had that same head cold for 6 months, I can feel the fluid in my ears and my sinuses are so messed up they are pushing on my teeth and giving me the worst toothache. Only 600mg Ibuprofen helps the tooth pain. Nothing seems to clear the sinuses.
If you come up with some witch doctor cure let me know.
Married Leos’s last blog post..And the bullshit continues……………..
MY EYES MY EYES!!!!
You need to warn me biatch WELL BEFORE THE NASTY SHOT OF YOUR FEET ENCASED IN DEVIL SPAWN!!!
I can’t remember any of the post just the burning of my fucking eyes.
You are losing your hawtness woman…
Kelley’s last blog post..A Ninjariffic Mothers Day!
Funny on the Mr. Not-the-husband, some neighbors across the street are getting visits from someone else I know that may or may not still be married to another person. I took photos the other day. Keep us up to date!!!
Wbppsh7’s last blog post..Happy Mother’s Day
That frog is A-Dorable. If these were my parents, they would arrive at 12:47. The Sasses? We enjoy being early, even when it’s rude.
Laurel’s last blog post..How To Make Fashion Totally Anal Retentive
OMG could you add anymore guilty pleasure to your blog? Now I get to check up on the Suburban Tabloid that is your neighbor’s life. Who needs Desperate Housewives when I’ve got your blog?
pisceshanna’s last blog post..Moved
I love that toad. How FUN is he? Steve. Steve the toad.
And aren’t parents the best?
melissa’s last blog post..Behold! The class of ‘08!
Did it ever occur to you that maybe he’s a financial consultant/ maid/ landscaper/ furnace repairman/ plumber/ painter/ meter reader and that’s why he needs to spend so much time over there? Sheesh.
My neighbor used to have several different ‘overnight guests’, other than her boyfriend and we’d always be like “Yep, she’s got another one over there…” But she hasn’t done that for a while.
AmyM’s last blog post..So? um? yeah? about that?
Those look mighty comfortable, I need a pair!
I totally need to do a search terms post someday.. I love how random the search terms can be.. “all-green dry penis” seriously? LOL
Talina’s last blog post..Snow in may, what is going on?
Me loves the toad!
Are you friendly with the neighbors across the street? She can’t be stupid enough to believe that NOBODY is noticing the van every day. Maybe it’s time for a dinner party with the neighborhood.
Hyphen Mama’s last blog post..I Have Fantasies….
So when you see “hotfessional” in the search terms does it freak you out as much as me seeing “candy’s corner sweet tooth not required”?
Or not nearly as much as that, reversed, probably. Or something.
Shit.
Candy’s last blog post..Things That Keep Me Up At Night, Part Two.
Just blog stalked my way right over to your blog and I am in love. Love it. Will be stalking you every day. Maybe more now.
What are city shorts?
Can you really wear walking shorts in a business casual environment? I’m sure I’d get sent home.
Kristabella’s last blog post..Help Me To Help You To Help Me