May 20 2008
Update on 24
We interrupt the telling of The Hot Affair in order to bring you this public service message test the emergency broadcast system allow the author some time to reflect on why the hell she didn’t see this coming.
Dear 24,
Since you moved in four weeks ago, you’ve worked two (5 hour) days. One of the reasons
we let you take over our basementlet you completely screw up my workout routinedisrupt our lives completelyopened our doors to you and let you live here RENT FREE was so that you could establish residency and save money (that you swore you were going to be, y’know, earning?) to go to grad school. They must have paid you really well for those 10 hours. Do you think you could get your Dad a job there?We do love how health conscious you are and that you buy your own (very expensive) organic food (and shampoo, and body wash, and that other smelly shit that’s in the bathroom) - and how you cleaned off shelves in the pantry so that you could store your (very expensive, I know! And without a job! You rock.) organic food. By the way, moving our (non-organic) crackers to the same cabinet where we keep the cleaning supplies no longer causes us any confusion. (And I’m sure that our teeth will eventually return to a normal color.)
We wouldn’t dream of eating your (very expensive) artisan cheese and artichoke dip with the delicately seasoned crackers from the specialty shop in town. We know you keep those for the times you watch the television shows that you’ve DVR’d. (And I know! You didn’t mean to delete the movie that I’ve been waiting ages to see just hours before I was actually going to get a chance to watch it.) And that pizza that you made? The one that you ate half of? Was it good? Because, y’know, since your Dad and I were sitting there we thought that maybe you would offer us a taste. (Next time, sweetie, why don’t you take your Dad’s advice and use a (washable) plastic container to store your leftovers instead of using that very large piece of aluminum foil. I’m just sayin’ - the environment would prefer that we use that foil only when absolutely necessary, which is why we generally only have to buy it every couple of years.)
By the way, you do know that all of that food that you eat from OUR grocery trips that we pay for with OUR money? Not organic. Okay. Just checking.
I really do love the way you’ve decorated your own little living space and made it impossible for me to do any sort of workout tape (I needed a break, really, my summer wardrobe was starting to fit again). It’s amazing how your “desk” managed to multiply into two huge bookshelves and more artwork than I have in the entire rest of my house! When you said that the only furniture you had was a “desk”, we thought you meant that you had A.Desk. Silly us!
But we
really meant itdidn’t mean to upset you when we said that it’s important to be able to GET TO the water conditioner. In case you hadn’t noticed, we have well water. And if you don’t add the softening salts to the water conditioner, things in the house start turning a ghastly shade of burnt orange. And hey, “Hook ‘em Horns” and all that, but really, it does tend to clash with the soft blues, greens, and lilacs I have in the one full bathroom that we all have to share. (Remember, the one with all of your organic toiletries?)And because we would prefer to NOT have to scrub the iron stains off of the sinks, tub, toilets, and washing machine on a daily basis, and you’re obviously very meticulous about the way you dress (those shirts that you favor? the ones that were designed by someone that I can’t justify buying for myself?) - you may want to think about what that non-conditioned water is doing to your duds. Because, honey, take it from me when I say that you simply can’t bleach that shit out.
I know you’ve offered to do whatever needs to be done around the house, but since we thought you’d be, y’know, working, we figured that we’d be easy on you. We gave you one chore. It’s not a daily chore. It’s barely a weekly chore. We used to do it only every 10 days, but since you’ve moved in, it does need to be done slightly more often.
Check the fucking water conditioner. Make sure that the salt level is where it needs to be.
I know it’s tough since your DESK is in front of it. But my love, we cleared out all kinds of space for the “desk” you were bringing up here with you. Oh, that’s right. The gigantic bookcase is in the spot where your desk was going to go. The spot that would have made it possible to check the water conditioner very easily. Because your desk? Wouldn’t be in front of the damn water conditioner.
It’s been wonderful having you live with us RENT FREE for a month. Truly. I like hiding my last (non-organic) banana in my office so that I can actually have one out of the bunch I purchased last week. I like knocking over that bottle of (expensive) shampoo onto my foot when I’m in the shower reaching for my razor. The bruises really accentuate my pedicure. I especially adore how you let Shortman drive my car every time the two of you decide to go see a movie - I know gas is expensive for someone who has only worked 10 HOURS in the last 28 days.
I tell you all of this because next week, your Dad is going to issue you a warning. “Find a job before the end of June or move your ass back home.” When that happens, there are a few things I need for you to remember:
- McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King do NOT have organic beef on their menus;
- Generally, grocery store baggers do NOT get an employee discount on shampoo that costs $6.25/ounce;
- You’ll make a better impression if your skin is not burnt orange and your hair is not green so please check the flippin’ water conditioner salts; and
- Do not look in the filing cabinet in my office. You will not find that last banana.
Love,
The Hotfessional
—- Oh Mah Holy Hell, y’all. This kid has more beauty products and designer clothes than I do. Before his dad kicks his ass out, though, I’m going to make him redecorate the half-bath. —-
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Make him give you a pedicure too!
Solomon’s last blog post..I have 18 mealworm pupae!
Love it, love it, love it! Does he know you blog?
RC’s last blog post..Top searches
Thanks for reminding me of why I swore off roommates long ago. I may ask you for a repost in about 13 years when Max turns 18.
Memarie Lane’s last blog post..Her teeth were stained, but her heart was pure.
Do you feel better now?
And seriously? Does this ingrate know about your blog?
Jen on the Edge’s last blog post..Sick day
Ut-oh I see sh*t flying… and it’s heading straight for the fan.
Nancy’s last blog post..Separation Anxiety
Wow. Just wow.
I loved with my brother, pregnant sister-in-law and nephew for six months after I got laid off in Cali and moved back to Chicago. I not only helped out with “room & board” I also bought groceries, helped with cleaning and anything else. Because I know I was a bother in that house.
The balls of some people amazes me.
Kristabella’s last blog post..And Boy Are My Legs Tired
OMG…Seriously Mr Hot needs to lay down the law and purty darn quick..otherwise Mr Short is going to think, COOL!!
Out of all of that..I can honestly tell you, deleting my movie on the DVR..that would have been my breaking point, there would have been a huge can of whoop ass goin round in the house…
mp’s last blog post..TV Obsession Continues
I had a similar experience once, when my FATHER and his WIFE moved into our 800 sp ft apartment one summer when my oldest was NOT EVEN ONE YET and stayed for THREE MONTHS. Yup, rent free, yo.
Grrrr.
Mr Lady’s last blog post..Winds of Change
I am SO GLAD that his dad is going to say something to him. Because when I lived with my dad, I helped out with groceries, chores, etc, etc. THAT IS WHAT YOU DO *especially* if you are not working.
I wish I could see his face when he learns the gravy train is ending.
moo’s last blog post..a story! (involving the photo challenge, pure & regret)
Please tell me you are not all mystified as to why your hair is coming out by the handful.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Success!
ugh - I have a woman you can set him up with!
Dawn’s last blog post..From the Archives - What Happened to Saturday
bwahahahahaha - brilliant post. It’s amazing good they are at taking care of themselves when somebody else is helping out, isn’t it?
What kind of products is 24 using?
Jenny’s last blog post..Sunday - Intermission
Ha, I love it…. Got any photos of the crap? I would laugh my ass off if there was as much shit as you make it sound like there is… WHF?
Dirty Laundry Diva’s last blog post..LittleDawgNews has its own Bridezilla!
Don’t have a clue how I found your blog, but damn am I glad I did! Love it!!
Hallie
http://wonderfulworldofweiners.blogspot.com/
Hallie’s last blog post..Want to Know How to “IMPRESS” a Wiener?
Ah, just gotta love being 24, do you remember it, don’t you remember living off someone else. What?, really? You didn’t live life that way? Amazing, you should have tried harder to act more like a 15 instead of a 24.
Here I am commenting before reading other comments, so I hope I don’t duplicate.
Make him pay rent. Even if you don’t use the money, and just put it into a high yield account and write him a check back for the money when he DOES move out. It’s the only incentive he’ll have. 24 years old, no job and ORGANIC? Give me a f$(*&#g break! It’s time for life lesson #1: get a job.
Oh, and can I move in with you?
Hyphen Mama’s last blog post..Here’s the TV Remote, I’ll Be Napping…..
I hate to say this, but I kind of saw this coming when he moved in with a half a moving truck more of stuff than just the desk he represented he was coming with… My youngest moved back home (again) last summer when his apartment mate jumped ship and bought a house with her boyfriend. My wife was not bashful at all with sitting down with him before he came back and working out his rent and other responsibilities, and it has worked well (each time he has moved back home). Personally, I am so glad he was home to blow the driveway out when that 100+ inches of snow fell at home last winter. Time for 24 to learn that adulthood is far from ‘free.’ Good for you guys!
coastrat’s last blog post..WEEK #11 - MISSISSIPPI GULF COAST BLUE BIRD UPDATE
I would have lost my temper long before - someone needs to canonize you.
And this is why I will NEVER - stress NEVER - have a roommate again. And at the rate I’m going, children are a very remote possibility. I don’t know how you haven’t lost your marbles with him.
Now back to the Mr. Hot saga…
Lys’s last blog post..80 Days or, in the alternative, What Do You Mean I Have To Pack My Suitcase - Again…
Goodness, to be 24 again….oh wait, when I was 24, I was in SCHOOL full-time ~ with a 2 YR OLD child to support! (But, maybe, to be 16 again….LOL)
Sorry he has turned your Sanctum into a Frat house Ree! :HUGS:
Rent free? I’d be having me some artisan cheese and artichoke dip. Desk from Ikea? Comes apart really easy for stacking in the corner so Mr. Hot can change the salt. Body wash? Poopy needs a bath, right?
In all seriousness, it’s a bother and an inconvenience to open your home to anyone. The least he can do is hold up his end of the deal.
Shania’s last blog post..Oh Ralph, who art thou?
this was so hilarious. i mean hilariously sad, and sadly hilarious.
i feel for you. i could never get away with that with my parents, bc a) i couldn’t do that to my parents.
you will survive this. but that water condition thing is no joke!
I had to laugh when I read your post, but only because you write so damn well!
But I feel your pain - - when my son moved back home, it was NOT an easy time for us, so I know what you are going through.
Hang in there Ree - - and as long as you and Mr. Hot present a united front, you will get through this.
Liz J in Central Illinois’s last blog post..Oh, And?
So, how does Mr. Hot feel about all this? Inquiring minds, you know …
charlotte’s last blog post..Awaiting parole
He sounds like my brother, who by the way only worked four hours per month while in school. Yeah. I know. I had to pay $100/mo rent to live in my own house while in high school. Golden child? Nothing!
Vanessa’s last blog post..Heartbreak Hotel
OK, why wait till June? Sit him down tomorrow morning. Get him up at 6am, talk to him, hand him the help wanted section, get him dressed and out the door by 9am. Tell him not to come back until 6pm or earlier if gainfully employed. Repeat it as often as necessary. He may move out on his own.
Print it. Post it.
Claire B’s last blog post..Thoughts from a Belgian Bakery
I so thought you were talking about a girl here. Hysterical.
And good for Mr. Hot for laying down some rules. Too many parents just let themselves be taken advantage of.
Major Bedhead’s last blog post..A Couple Of Political Links
Print it, print it!
Make him read it!
And seriously, burnt orange water? What is he drinking, bottled stuff?
Veronica’s last blog post..The Best News
Too funny! Oh man, you must lay down the “law.” Or at least have a pow wow and address “concerns.”
Seriously? This is a MAN we’re talking about? I thought it was a girl, too!!
melissa’s last blog post..Champagne taste on a beer budget
I may steal this. Precious Oldest is “home” from college. I’m just sayin’….
Fannie’s last blog post..Grateful
my kids had the same rule… school or pay rent.
they had a month or out the door…break one rule, out the door.
trust me, i did it. i put every piece of my eldest daughter’s furniture on the front lawn… in the rain.
then i cried.
six months later, she was back, and minding rules.
good luck!
quin browne’s last blog post..Cars, Trips and Things That Go Bump In The Night~ I
Ha! You so rock!
Also, please accept my condolences for having to put up with all this.
SarahO’s last blog post..The Chicken Lives!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My SIL stayed with us for 19 days.. It nearly killed us.
I didn’t have to hide my banana’s from her (eww) I just took my modem with me when I went out..ooops
cheers Kim xxx
frogpondsrock’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Oh good god. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but…having had two step-children, I’m not even a little.
I don’t want to generalize, but I know a lot of children of divorced families, and those I know seem to think their families owe them some shit. And they intend to collect.
Candy’s last blog post..What She’s Got Cook-Ing
Major Bedhead and i must be seriously out of the loop. I also thought 24 was a girl by reading what you wrote. Maybe when you are having that “talk” you could mention that. Now wouldn’t that be just too embarrassing if you were a 24 year old male behaving like Paris Hilton?
I know it really isn’t funny but Jaysus you are a funny woman HOT and make me laugh out loud every time I read your blog.
Gypsy’s last blog post..Here we go again…..