Jul 05 2008
Another Day - Another Neighbor
Oh mah holy hell, y’all - where is the weekend going? Okay, it may be because I have done absolutely nothing but eat and read while sitting out in the gorgeous (finally!) weather - but I’ve neglected my reading and writing horribly.
My grill-master-slash-stud-muffin, Mr. Hot, provided us with grilled chicken, potatoes, and asparagus yesterday and then turkey burgers today. Someone needs to come over and roll me into the shower - I feel a bit like a beached whale. And I found a new mixer for my vodka - Minute Maid Orange/Tangerine (Light! Only 15-calories per serving!) - which also, by the way, mixes nicely with rum. (Or so that grill-master-slash-stud-muffin claims.)
Last night, the fireworks show brilliantly orchestrated by the fireman down the road (in his front yard) provided us our 4th entertainment - until the “Mayor” put a stop to it.
Wait, I’ve never told you about the “Mayor”? Well, he isn’t. But damned, he thinks he is. He is, in his own words, “A farmer, a retired engineer, a horse trainer, and a BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN.” And yes, that’s exactly how he says it. All-caps. Shout it out with me now, y’all. Amen. (Not that I have a problem with his religious beliefs - even though, as we’ll see, he doesn’t embody those beliefs, but the fact that he feels the need to announce his particular faith IN ALL CAPS? I have a problem with that.)
He has 15 acres, which happens to run behind every house the entire length of our road. His house and garage, however, are behind OUR backyard. (Lucky us!) We were working out there, one day soon after we moved in, and he accosted us with his speech. “I’ve got the most land of anyone around here and no one with less than 10 acres is considered a farm. I’m considered a farm. So I can burn brush. I can have animals. I hate any noise that isn’t related to maintaining my land. Don’t think you can use that firepit in your yard because I’ve got a barn over here. I’m a farmer, a retired engineer, a horse trainer and a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN.”
Mr. Hot and I nodded and walked off, shaking our heads.
Of course, we also checked the township bylaws about burning.
- Anyone with at least an acre (which we have) can burn with notice to the fire department.
- Said burning cannot last longer than 3 hours.
Period.
So, y’all know what we did, right? We used our firepit. Snort. Mr. Hot also kindly printed off the township regulations for the “Mayor”. Just in case he needed a refresher course.
Annnnyway, for the last two years, we’ve had no problems. Of course, we know that every time we sit out on the deck, or do something in our backyard, the “Mayor” and his wife, “Ruffie” are watching our every move. Sometimes I flash Mr. Hot a boob-shot while we’re out there or slip my hand down his pants - just in case the “Mayor” needs a cheap thrill.
He has been known to shoot dogs that come onto his property (as the people at the corner found out the hard way). He makes the mail carrier beep when they drop off his mail (apparently, he is so important that his mail cannot sit in the mailbox like the rest of us mortals’ mail). His wife has threatened another neighbor when the neighbor innocently offered to help muck out the horsebarn - “You come into my yard and I’ll shoot you.”
Oh, yes, the “Mayor” keeps an eye on the neighbors. Well, the ones on our side of the street anyway. So, every year, it’s a race to see if the fireman and friends can finish their state of the art fireworks show before the “Mayor” manages to get the police to come put a stop to it.
This show rivals anything that you would see at your local town’s festivities. Real fireworks - Dahlias, Peonies and Chrysanthemums, Phoenix & Birds and Glitter Palms. We sit out in our front yard and wait for the sun to set. Then we oooooh and ahhhhhhh and clap. Poopy the Puppy stays amazingly calm during the whole thing - although he does think it’s weird that we look into the sky and clap. I’m sure he thinks we’re clapping for him.
Last night, we called Shortman and 24 out to watch. About 20 minutes in, the finale started. About 3 minutes after the finale was over, the police car that we’d been half-expecting made its way down the road. SLOWLY… ever so slowly. We have a theory though. Since the firemen run this show, and the policemen around here know the “Mayor” by name*… they do the firemen the courtesy of calling to tell them, “Have your show done by 10:20 because we can’t stand him calling every three fucking minutes. Then we’ll come by and grab a hotdog so it looks good.”
But it’s fun while it lasts… and we don’t have to fight for a spot to put our blankets down.
—-*Yep. When Mr. Hot went to file a report about our stolen credit card number, he gave the officer our address and said, “I live behind the “Mayor”.” The cop looked up with pity in his eyes, slowly nodded his head, and bent back down to finish the report. Mr. Hot swears that he heard him whisper, “You poor sap.” —-
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The “Mayor” sounds more like royalty. As in, a royal pain in the ass.
I would love to have neighbors who put on a fireworks show! (If we didn’t live in the fire tinder of the desert, that is)
Glad you had a good 4th!
Jennifer H’s last blog post..Wanted: Farm People
So let me get this straight: You have the neighbors across from you who are engaging in who-knows-what. You have the Mayor behind you. Who else lives on your street?
Jen on the Edge’s last blog post..Pyromania
We have had some pretty “strange” neighbors in the past, and now since we moved to our new home, we don’t have any neighbors. And in A LOT of ways, I don’t miss them!
Liz J in Central Illinois’s last blog post..Happy 4th of July!
Jesus, Ree, didja move to Texas or something? This crap goes on in Micheegun?
Does anybody take him on in the community? This could be great blog fodder!
daysgoby’s last blog post..punkins
What is this - Roadhouse?? Does he drive all wonky down the street???
You and your neighbors. You need to start videotaping them and then upload to YouTube
Lys’s last blog post..How To Piss Off An Outlet Sales Associate…
We have the opposite problem. My husband puts off the “real firework show” and everyone watches. We have one Barney Fife who tries to shut us down. He has never been able to find our house thanks to the “directions” from the neighbors.
Shania’s last blog post..It may be time to downsize
Wait, he shot a dog? A dog? I’m on my way to open up a can of whoop-ass on The Mayor. You’ll have more fireworks than you can imagine if I ever get hold of that sorry sack of shite.
Dingo’s last blog post..I’ll Make My Own Lemonade
How old is the mayor? Cause he sounds like he could be frightfully old and maybe, maybe if he is, he might like, you know, not be around sooner rather than later?
Gawd! What a pain in the arse!
Krissa’s last blog post..The Haints are back?
“I’m a farmer, a retired engineer, a horse trainer and a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN.” I think those were Steve Miller’s original lyrics until he settled on the Joker thing…
bretthead’s last blog post..Politically Very Incorrect
Psycho neighbors are so fun, aren’t they? Not!
I feel for ya. I’ve had my share of psycho’s. I’ve worked in property management, and Oy! the stories I could tell.
Anyway, glad you all got your fireworks off before your crazy neighbor brought in the Feds! (So to speak!) Happy holiday weekend to you and yours!!
I dare you to build a leylandii hedge on your side of the boundary. Those things bring out the Best - and I mean worst - in people. This works even better if the sunlight is in such a way that it blocks light to his side. Also, they love water, so you could say it’s to deal with the flooding troubles you had. If that works.
Not that I’ve ever done such a thing to my neighbors.
Lyvvie’s last blog post..Nemi
Now I have to Google leylandii hedge. The Mayor is a unifying force in your neighbourhood. Everybody agrees that he is a ginormous pain in the arse.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Skinny Bitch Gets Felt Up
I would love to say I read more than the first line, but I’m so sleepy I just can’t focus. Didn’t want to pop by and not say hello though!
I *will* come back later to read it properly though! After about a dozen caffeine fixes… maybe two…
Marylin’s last blog post..Weekly Winners #26
Is this “Mayor-guy” the same neighbor you are not mentioning anything about whose land your driveway is on?
coastrat’s last blog post..FUN AT ?CRAB FEST? IN THE BAY!
This damn weekend wasn’t going nearly fast enough for me. Hub had Friday off of course, and for some ungodly reason took off Thursday was well. No plans.. no reason.. he just did it. To annoy the crap out of me I am sure and he succeeded admirably.
flutterby’s last blog post..Random Yammering and Other Tidbits
This would only get funnier if the Mayor was the visitor at the other neighbor’s house when the hubby wasn’t there…
RC’s last blog post..A big thank you, and a little linky love?
Seriously, that man should be glad he doesn’t live here. Our town has an ordinance that makes fireworks illegal at any time BUT the sundown on the 3rd to 11:30 on the 4th. And the cops don’t care who you are or how many times you call. If it is between those hours, they just say “Oh-freakin’-well.” and leave it be. Hell, my neighbors were still setting them off at midnight and there was not one sign of law enforcement in our neighborhood.
Boo ~ He SUCKS!!
Aren’t neighbors like that just GREAT? Please tell me the Mayor (and Mrs. Mayor) are really, really old….
Chris’s last blog post..Anniversaries (and other things I forget)
Dammit. Dammit. Dammit… I SO want to be your OTHER neighbor. His “rules” sound more like a DARE if you ask me. I’d burn the fire pit every night of the year. Maybe burn leaves in it. He hates noise? I’d put really BIG speakers on my deck and play all kinds of devil music: rock ‘n roll.
So funny that the cops show up in time for a hot dog.
My life is so boring.
Hyphen Mama’s last blog post..Bitter Sweet Symphony
Oh I would totally hate to have a neighbor like that, and I am a Christian! I have a theory that if they have to advertise it like that, then they really aren’t, since they like to make life hell for everyone around them.
He sounds like some woman that used to live in my parents neighborhood. Last year their homeowners association held a 4th of July block party, and she was there at it for most of the evening. But after they started setting off fireworks she went home and called the cops.
Then there was this guy in our old neighborhood, who deemed himself the parking police. He was so freaking annoying!
Jacki’s last blog post..Celebrity Sightings
Ree I’m playing catch up tonight after being gone…but Oh Mah Holy Hell…what kind of dude is this???
Carrie’s last blog post..back.
Ok, ok, I’m back, and I have read the whole thing this time!
The guy sounds like he needs a kick up the butt and a reality check tbh! Glad the fireworks weren’t interrupted by his meddling.
Marylin’s last blog post..Weekly Winners #26
I would call him the Major, as in pain in the arse.
My neighbours are fucknuckles but don’t own guns. well I don’t think they do…
Kelley’s last blog post..Be afwaid. Be vewy afwaid.
I hate neighbors like that. This is why I never talk to my neighbors.
Born Again Christians are some of the only Christians who will shout their religion and force it down your throat. At least in my experience.
Kristabella’s last blog post..I Love Reality TV
We have a guy like that, not quite as bad, but he walks around the neighborhood talking to everyone. If you want the scoop on anything he’s the one who knows.
Married Leos’s last blog post..Me, a MILF? LOL I don’t think so!
How very sad to live by him. I shall now count my blessings–my 3 neighbors who give me no grief but only great joy….
melissa’s last blog post..Blech!