Jul 25 2008
Visit with the Goldens
Wednesday night, I bribed Shortman with a trip to McDonalds if he’d accompany me to MomandDad’s house. See, The Golden Child and his wife and kids were in town. And although I love my brother - even though we see eye-to-eye on, oh, nothing - his wife (aka “The Bitch Who Stole Christmas” or TBWSC for short) and his kids make me certifiably crazy. Seriously. Like I grind my teeth if I have to be around them too long.
I know that’s a terrible thing to say about your niece and nephew. After all they’re kids. They’re generally well-behaved kids. They don’t scream - they’re 11 and 12, so it’s not like they’re not old enough to have some reasoning ability. They just skeeve me out. Because they’re exactly.like.their.mother.
Let me give you some background first. I’ll try (note: try) to keep it somewhat short.
*****
My brother and his first wife had one daughter. She’s a year older than Shortman and one of the sweetest girls you’d ever want to meet. I love her to death. My brother had custody when he and Wife-1 first split, but after marrying TBWSC, his daughter decided she’d rather live with her mother. So she moved out (this, obviously, tells you something!)
TBWSC had a son from HER first marriage who is also a year older than Shortman. In fact, her son and my brother’s daughter were born two weeks apart. This son (my brother’s stepson) is banned from my parents’ house for stealing money out of my father’s dresser.
Then, they had two children together. A boy and a girl. These are the two we saw.
Sooooooo, annnnnyyywayyy, back to Wednesday’s visit.
*****
My mother wasn’t there when Shortman and I pulled into the driveway. Thankfully, my Dad was - otherwise, I’d have been stuck with The Golden Child and his crew. Alone. With only Shortman to protect me.
We walked into the kitchen to find the table laden with food. Sandwiches, fruits, vegetables, and cookies. My brother called his two kids into the room (that’s when I found out that they’d also brought my other niece from Virginia with them - so three kids all together), and told them to eat their dinner.
He then looked at me and Shortman and said, “You guys can go talk to Dad in the family room so we can eat.”
Y’know, not that I would have wanted any of his overly-mayonnaised tuna sandwiches, but let’s call that Eyeroll #1.
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Eyeroll #2 happened after they were done scarfing their dinner and joined us in the family room. My Dad was talking about a tree in his yard that he had cut down. It was a beautiful tulip tree at one time, but I know that it had been slowly dying away. My Dad has a friend, “Tom the Treeman” - and it was Tom who came to do the deed.
I asked Dad if Tom knew what had killed the tree. Dad said, “Hell, he just comes with his chain saw and chops them down.” (Now you know why I talk the way I do.) I remarked that I thought Tom was a Tree Doctor.
From behind me (while we were still carrying on our conversation), I hear “There’s no such thing as tree doctors.”
It was the nephew. I looked right at him and said, “Tree doctors are usually botanists who specialize in diseases that trees get. They’re also known as arborists. Just like veterinarians are called animal doctors.” All the while giving him that “What ever happened to ‘children are to be seen and not heard’ look” that my aunt had perfected.
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MomandDad have become members of their local recreation center. It offers water aerobics (Mom’s specialty) and a weight room that my Dad loves. Dad asked The Golden Child, “Why didn’t you come with us this morning when we went over to work out? You said you’d be up and ready, but we waited and then decided to just go.” TBWSC decided to answer for The Golden Child (he’s also the most pu$$y-whipped man I’ve ever known). “We wanted to spend some family time so we decided to get up this morning and go for a long walk ourselves! It’s so good to have family time. It brings us closer together as a family. We looked so cute with all 5 of us walking down the road.” (Eyeroll #3 and a puke in the mouth thrown in for good measure.)
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Alas - soon after my mother arrived home (she’d been at dinner with a couple of girlfriends…), my Uncle stopped by with his wife. The rest of the evening was spent with TBWSC trying to compete with the Uncle for the most long-winded story. Shortman was sitting off to my left and slightly behind me, and I had my hat pulled down low so no one could see my eyes. I kept glancing over and Shortman and performing eyerolls #4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. I think I strained a forehead muscle.
—- But I did my duty as a good daughter and sister. I lasted 90 minutes. Shortman cleaned me out at Mickey D’s. —-
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Consider that the award winning deed for all of 2008. You shouldn’t have to endure anymore:)
Angel’s last blog post..Natural shampoo and tiny bladders?
Oy. Shortman is a prince. And you, my dear, are a good daughter.
Tina’s last blog post..Dorm-ez Vous?
I concur, such a good daughter.
Next time, stop at Mickey D’s first, get just enough for Shortman and a LARGE coke for you … spike that coke so you can make it through the visit.
Nancy’s last blog post..That took balls …
Inquiring minds must know exactly HOW the bitch stole Christmas. Please?
Shania’s last blog post..Updates on Very Important Situations
I’m thinking TBWSC has no idea what the word FAMILY really means.
Fannie’s last blog post..Fucking Fuckers
I have a special trick for dealing with odious relatives. Well, actually 2 tricks. Trick one is the avoid them as much as possible, and then act like I can’t remember their names when we meet (works great on children - use the wrong name on the wrong child, or use a slightly different one. It really ticks the parents off.) Trick 2 is to be that much better at whatever quirk they have going on.
My male cousin is a pompous git, and his wife is a trophy bride. But without the trophy part (seriously, she looks like a man). When we meet up at Xmas, to “play family”, we often play board games. The wife will turn to the husband before every single move and ask which way to go, what sort of question to have, etc. So I start doing it with my sister, until they catch on and then I do it some more.
Oddly, we don’t see much of them any more. I’m just waiting until the day my aunt asks me why I don’t visit any more. You can bet on the fact that I will tell her. My mom now knows not to invite me to family functions that will contain people I don’t like. I don’t seem to do “nice” very well. I much prefer brutal honesty, heavy on the nasty if I don’t like the person. But I’d like to think that I’m heavy on the nice if I do. Oh well.
Solomon’s last blog post..The “Things I’m Grateful For” July contest - NOW RUNNING!!
Anybody with sense would say, “wow, there’s a such thing as tree doctors?” I’ve worked with a couple tree doctors in the past, they always called themselves tree doctors. I always thought they’re jobs seemed really interesting. But I’m a tree person.
Memarie Lane’s last blog post..Shuttered Housewife + Unlimited Resources = ?.
Hi darlin, I have a few hours internet access and just dropped in to remind you that I still love you even though I haven’t been able to comment.
*smooch*
witchypoo’s last blog post..The Rock
Can you imagine if they lived in the same town as you do? Thankfully, my SIL lives in Chicago. I no longer have to see her. She is the golden child and doesn’t let anyone forget it.
I’m thankful that overall, my parents haven’t picked “the golden child.” We can be equally catty and they can be equally annoyed at the three of us.
RC’s last blog post..Stressing out
Dude, even your Mom didn’t even want to be there??
Shortman is too easy. He needs to hold out for something better than Mickey Ds.
Like an iPhone or something. It would take that for me to go hang out with them.
Kristabella’s last blog post..DINAO Round 10 - The Culinary Edition
Ugh and blech!
But on a positive note (look at me with the positive note), that is a cute hat!
barbra’s last blog post..Project Runway’s green experiment
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little too. My mother and my youngest sister would get along very well in that family. All of a kind.
melissa’s last blog post..I scream, you scream, we all scream…
I think you got of fairly easy. If I were Shortman, that trip would’ve earned a dinner at Outback Steakhouse.
Dingo’s last blog post..Not So Friendly Skies
Ugh. I think I threw up in my mouth a little just reading what the ‘visit’ was like. Ugh. Is there a fork nearby? My eyes! My eyes!
Ack.
Sarah’s last blog post..Fall Fabric Swap!
sigh. i hear you on the family anguishes. you did good. there’s one in every family.
on a side note, if those kids are American, then they don’t know about not talking. American kids are just naturally social and that is how we are as a society, it has its benefits and i am not one to crush a child’s confidence bc i was so terribly shy as a kid.
but even with my kids, i have to kinda remind them to be quiet and no interrupt grownups!
and i so believe in tree doctors. have a great weekend Ree!
Oh. My. Goodness! I am not sure that I could have made that trip. I would have had to fake an illness (something that only a “tree doctor” could fix, maybe? LMAO) just to get out of it. LOL
Anyway, at least Shortman got McD’s out of the trip.
Ree, when it is your time to leave this earthly realm, you deserve a straight shot into Heaven, because after this little visit, you have spent you time in Hell.
(Shortman should have held out for MUCH more than Mickey D’s!)
Liz J in Central Illinois’s last blog post..On His Way Home!
I think we should have my SIL and your SIL battle it out for who can dominate the conversation the longest before pulling a punch.
Lyvvie’s last blog post..Finally!
Phew! At least it’s over eh?
Marylin’s last blog post..Harder Better Faster Stronger?
Firstly, love that hat.
Secondly, you rock. I don’t think I could have stayed that long. Thankfully my Golden Childs new girlfriend seems lovely, if not a little TOO name droppy…
Kelley’s last blog post..Dear ‘Concerned’
i know it is sometimes very hard to stand some people even if they are family. as a matter of fact, it may be harder if they are family.
but i really wonder if the people you mention in your blog, namely your brother and especailly his wife know about this blog?
super hero’s last blog post..getting familiar with the local store
Your poor forhead muscles, make sure Mr. Hot gives them a damn good massage tonight. Or he could massage your feet and it could travel, whatever works.
Veronica’s last blog post..Sunshine
So, they went on a walk for some “family time”??? Why, then, were they bothering to visit your parents if that cut into their precious family time? They should have saved themselves the trip.
Your SIL sounds like a real gem and I don’t mean that in a nice way.
Jen on the Edge’s last blog post..House update
Glad to see you escaped with your sanity and sense of humor.
family walk time? hmm not sure if its me but ya would think that would be everyone sense they are there visiting family right. Oh wait i took my logic pill this morning sorry for pointing that out
Well at least you and shortman were not in a corner with no way out stuck listening to SIL. aw ok ewww that would be bad.
Obi-son’s last blog post..Free Mammogram
Just when I get all, “oooo, maybe I should call someone I’m genetically linked to because that would be NICE” you post one of these. Thank you for saving me from myself, yet again.
Mr Lady’s last blog post..Rate the Hate the So Awesome We Need Equipment Edition
I think I’d have said “Gee, if you wanted some alone FAMILY time, why didn’t you say so. Shortman and I will get out of here ASAP to give you more alone FAMILY time.” Because that’s why people visit their relatives, right. So they can have more time to spend with the same people they live with every day.
Hyphen Mama’s last blog post..Tidbits and Where I’ll Be Until Next Week
Well, you survived - that is about the only plus I think.
Wbppsh7’s last blog post..Holy Cow
Ooh, they sound awful! I agree with everyone else - Shortman should have held out for better than Mickey D’s!
Shelly’s last blog post..Monday Morning You Sure Look Fine
You definitely need to smuggle in some limeade/vodka cocktails in a mcd’s cup for the next visit…
And Golden Child should be smacked upside the head
Lys’s last blog post..Never Fails…