Aug 14 2008
O’Horror Views
Since I got to the airport nearly three hours early for my 6:50 p.m. flight, I thought I’d live blog O’Horror. For your pleasure (or terror!)
**** lalalalala****
I’m at the Fox Sports Grill - drinking a glass of wine - munching on some coconut shrimp - listening in on people’s conversations. Shush! You’re not shocked nor surprised, so don’t pretend you are.
The man and woman sitting at the table in front of me look like business travelers. After telling her a story about how much money he spent on his wife’s face lift (AND relating that he saved $1000 by going with a local anesthetic y’all! I’d kill Mr. Hot), he made some comment about also offering his wife a boob job (with the money he saved maybe?) . Then he started critiquing this woman’s face. Yes, the one he was sitting across from.
****lalalalala****
I’ve moved to find a seat in the gate area. After paying $37 for two glasses of wine and 5 coconut shrimp. I wonder if I could smuggle a bottle in my suitcase for my next trip. (Kidding, TSA. I swear I’m just kidding!)
A bleached blond is walking through the concourse with enough makeup to have made Tammy Faye Baker cringe. With BIG sunglasses and enough rhinestones to choke a horse.
**** lalalalala****
A business man in a checked shirt just sat down a few seats from me, and is talking to a cousin or a brother or something on his cell. He’s also waiting for the Detroit flight, although we’re not sitting at our actual gate…there’s simply too many people over there trying to get to Minneapolis - which is delayed.
He’s talking about dead relatives, and how he got “saved” four years ago. While he was driving to work, he passed a church and decided to stop the next Sunday and try it out. He found God that day, and ever since, he’s been a regular churchgoer.
But wait, y’all! He is telling whoever he’s on the phone with that he changed jobs recently. He used to work for Coors - but he moved over to Diageo Products. Diageo’s brands include Smirnoff, Cuervo, Bailey’s, Tanqueray, and that bad boy, Captain Morgan.
Excuse me while I go sit on his lap and stick my tongue in his ear.
**** lalalalala****
(A non-airport related thought. Well, kind of, because I’m in the airport having this thought, but it’s not related to the airport. Per se.)
I have this really sudden urge to take off my scarf and sit here blinding people with the fluorescent lights shining off of my bald head. Is this sick?!? I swear someday I’m going to do that. I am.
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Charlie Brown’s teacher (WAH WAH WAH. WAH WAH WAH WAH. WAH.) is talking on the speaker over at my gate across the hall.. I hope they’re not changing shit on me. Hold that thought, eh?!? I need to check.
Whew, okay. Our flight coming in is in transit - and so far the gate hasn’t changed, and so far we’re not delayed. This is very important when you have 48 minutes of battery power left and blogs to write and read. With no more liquor nearby to hold you over.
**** lalalalala ****
Okay, so I moved over to my gate now that all of these Minnesotans are on their plane. This way if CB’s teacher decides to wah wah wah at me again, I’ll be able to hear if I have to hoof it across the fuckin’ miles to another gate.
*** lalalalala ****
So, 24 has a boyfriend. Did I tell you that? We haven’t met him yet, but
Oh, wait, the guy sitting in the row of seats across from me just screamed into the phone, “Are you fucking kidding me!?!?!”. The mom and dad of the 8 or 9 month old baby, who happen to be sitting behind Mr. Screamer-Dude, just shot him all kinds of nasty looks into the back of his head. He’s oblivious.
Glad they can’t read over my shoulder.
****lalalalala****
And, the Minneapolis flight is gone - and my lovely plane is pulling up to the jet bridge. I’m going to proof read this post (quickly, don’t tell me it doesn’t make sense or there’s typos, please!) and hit publish so you can read it while I’m drinking free booze in first class flying home . But before I do, let me tell you about a giveaway happening over at Blissfully Domestic (where, by the way, I write a “Working from Home” humor advice column weekly.)
Amazingly enough, it’s not about white trash like the people I’m sitting here with (the woman in the white spandex pants and the thong sticking up over her waistband and her 300 lb. friend with the Bermuda shorts, belly-showing tank top and bright blue toenails) - it’s about the “shortcuts” women can take when they’re trying to do too much.
Go check it out and enter!
—- I know you’re going to ask me about 24’s boyfriend, but really, I don’t know anything about him yet. We haven’t met him - we don’t know how old he is or what he looks like - all we know is 24 frequently lets us know that he won’t be home that night - he’ll be at “My Friend C’s” house. I’ll keep you updated as more news breaks.—-
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I so want to go on a plane now. Or maybe just go people watch at an airport. Mind you, I see enough scary people at work. Mr Tasty was in again the other day. he makes me gag.
That vibration you can feel right now isn’t an earthquake. It’s me shuddering.
Solomon’s last blog post..Things I’m Grateful For on Thursday 14 August
Aw god the airport. I flew once for work. that was good enough for me. What is funny its like being at a state fair.
Obi-son’s last blog post..Danting rants to come
People watching is SUCH fun! Dear Hubby and I do it as often as possible . . . the Celebration, the State Fair, the Mall - - anywhere we can!
Liz J in Central Illinois’s last blog post..Sorry . . . SO Tired
I had to pick up a puppy at BWI recently. The flight from Houston was just taking off when it should’ve been landing, so I had a bit of time to people watch. I wrote three of Jerry Springers next episodes while I was waiting.
Shania’s last blog post..Beware the curse, me mateys!
Damn, I think I’m on the same flight as you - oh, no….:( I’m not, it just felt like I was there for a minute. I could even feel the hurry of the last bit about C and how your are rushing to get it typed and published!!!! You done (I did that on purpose) good, and I didn’t see any typos!
wbppsh7’s last blog post..SBD Day 9
This is funny…thanks! I hope you found yourself sitting next to the businessman in the checked shirt. That could make for a fun flight…
Tina’s last blog post..Newsletter: Month Two Hundred Eighty Eight
Oh gosh…I think some of those people were at O Hara the last time Kris and I flew out of there…it was awhile back and we got delayed and actually cancelled because of snow…quite funny…all the people mad and yelling…
Carrie’s last blog post..You will find rest for your souls…
Do they have tequila at that airport bar? I need it right now.
Karen’s last blog post..Crap, Crap and more Crap!!!
A few glasses of wine & people watching, such entertainment!
Nancy’s last blog post..~*~ Yang Peiyi, I think you are beautiful ~*~
Oh yeah, airports can attract the most unusual people.
I just read in Cosmo though, that guys don’t like it when you stick your tongue in their ear. They prefer you running it around the ear lobe.
Jacki’s last blog post..Lindholm Høje
Charlie Brown’s Teacher… so true! I can never understand those voices on the intercom.
The airport is probably my favorite place to people watch. There’s certainly all types.
Claire’s last blog post..Damn carpal tunnel and a baby roundup
Funnily enough, when I’m in airports, I find religion. I’m too busy praying that the plane will take off, fly, and land correctly (because if I don’t pray about the PARTS of the flight, the prayers don’t mean anything) to people-watch.
Next time I’ll have to try to pray prior to arrival so I can see all the people.
Tuli’s last blog post..Supporting all quitters!
I LOVE this! People watching is my favorite sport. Brilliant!
Shelly’s last blog post..Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
I don’t see why people get so freaked out when strangers swear near their kids in public. It’s public, that’s what public is. If they don’t like it, they should go shove their kid in a sound-proof barrel with air holes until their 18.
Memarie Lane’s last blog post..Whiskers on Kettles and Warm Woolen Noodles
It’s a toss up on the people watching - Airport or Water Park? Either way there will be people fatter than you who are dressed less appropriately. [Except for the nun sporting cleavage - she's HOT! ;)]
Fannie’s last blog post..Is it just me?
Live blogging from O’Hare - $8.95 an hour
People watching - Free entertainment $0.00
Giving me a mental picture of you licking the ear of a complete God fearing stranger who works for a liquor company - Priceless.
Angel’s last blog post..This, that and the other thing. (updated)
This cracked me up because I’ve spent so freaking much time having almost that same experience (including $37 worth of wine and snacks at the Fox Sports Bar). Sigh.
Oh the horrors. I’m glad I don’t travel for work. But my husband has just taken a new job, which WILL involve travel. I fear for his sanity.
Pssht! Like an 8 or 9 month old baby knows the word “fuck” yet, anyway. Lighten up, people! You have MUCH bigger things to worry about than swearing!
omg… that reminds me of the post I have to write about the white trash in the seats 1A and 1B.
Hope your trip home was uneventful!
Hyphen Mama’s last blog post..My Celebrity Crush
Oooh, a boyfriend? Maybe he will move in over there!
Veronica’s last blog post..Some Things Are Only Meant To Be Exit Holes