My Life as a Hotfessional

That Grateful Guy, who just started a new blog, tagged me. So I’m it.

First, we must go ahead and play by the rules:

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Yea, you know I suck at doing this, so I’m not even going to pretend.
4. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.************

1) What was I doing 10 years ago?

10 years ago? 1998? Wow. I was just getting ready to turn 35. I had been diagnosed and was fighting my first bout with this. Mr. Hot, Shortman and I were living in a “garden-level” (dark-ass basement) two-bedroom apartment and wondering how in the world we were going to afford child support, rent, and y’know, food, if I lost my job after our buyout by a much larger bank based in Chicago. Mr. Hot had taken an early retirement to be a stay at home dad in 1996 and we were pretty much broke.

It was, all in all, a pretty crappy year. (Bald and on the verge of possibly losing my job…..hmmmm, it’s deja-fuckin’-vu. )

2) What are five things on your to-do list for today?

1. Plant seeds.
2. Weed around the Wiegela bushes.
3. Call Mom.
4. Help Mr. Hot scrub the glider/swing for the backyard.
5. Give myself a pedicure to make my toes pretty for spring. ( it’s a half-assed job, but I can’t do half-a-checkmark.)

3) What snacks do I enjoy?

Almonds. Vodka. (Shush, it does count as a snack!). The yummy banana bread I made yesterday. Vodka. Mr. Hot’s earlobe. Dark chocolate. Limeade (with vodka.) Wine. Tortilla chips and homemade guacamole. Cheese.

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire?

Buy Shortman and 24 their own house and a Nanny to keep an eye on them so Mr. Hot and I could go live on a beach by ourselves and run around naked all the time. Set up a foundation that provides scholarships for young women getting into technology fields. Visit the major cities of Europe. Retire and spend my days reading and writing.

5) Three Bad Habits

1. Smoking my three cigarettes/day (yes, dammit, I do have to add that qualification every time I admit I smoke),
2. not putting my clothes away after Mr. Hot washes and folds them (I know, you’re jealous, I don’t even know how to work the stupid machine, hee.),
3. and swearing (besides my tag line up there, “fuck a duck” is one of my very favorite phrases, and I call 90% of the other drivers on the road “shithead” at any given time, just because I like to. “Dickhead” is another good one.)

6) 5 places I have lived…

1. Town 1 in Wayne County, Michigan
2. Town 2 in Wayne County, Michigan
3. East Lansing, Michigan
4. St. Albans, WV
5. Huntington, WV

7) 5 Jobs I have had

1. Katie and Tommy’s babysitter
2. Brigid and Erin’s babysitter (Katie and Tommy’s cousins)
3. Mucker of horse stalls at a daycamp (didn’t get paid, but I got to ride)
4. Scrubber of stainless steel animal cages (a.k.a. Veterinary Assistant)
5. Poopy the Puppy’s protector (from the noisy trucks going down the road)

Six EightSeven suckers, er people I want to know more about…

Nah, sorry….I can’t do it. But, if you want to steal this, go ahead….and let me know in the comments and I’ll link back to you here.

—- Did you know that having your laptop on your bare, sunburned thighs hurts like a mo ‘fo? —-

I cleaned out my flower beds today. Got all of the “winter interest” dead-ass stalks cleaned out and admired the tulips getting ready to bloom. I have little green leaves on my Potentilla bushes. We trimmed our beautiful River Birch to give it it’s classic shape. I weeded out stray grass seedlings from the perennials. It was 74 beautiful degrees. I wanted to strip down to mah bare-nekkid-ass, throw myself to the ground and roll around. (And I would have, too, but the juvenile delinquents hooligans kids across the street were riding their go-cart and the asshat jerkoff neighborhood snoop gentleman farmer behind us was tinkering with his tractor. )

We went around checking the seedling trees we planted last year. I think 3 or 4 of the 10 survived. In 15 years, they may be 6 5 4 feet tall. (They came, literally, in a padded envelope and looked like sticks. With little paint marks on them. Ten trees for $10.)

I have dirt under my fingernails. I am happy.

As far as I’m concerned, I must live high-rise city or way-the-fuck in the country. Give me downtown Chicago….no grass, 45-story buildings, cabbies happy to run you down, five-star restaurants and doormen -or- give me wetlands preserves, manure in the flower beds, 7-miles to the grocery store and raccoons in the yard. Suburban neighborhoods are where I grew up, but there’s a reason I always felt out of place.

After the yardwork, we went out to MomandDad’s. Our bedroom set is a really old hand me down ancient walnut queen-sized bed, chest of drawers, and a mirrored dresser that MomandDad bought about 40 years ago. (Seriously….I just calculated it out. They bought it in 1968….I was, um, 5.) Mr. Hot uses the chest of drawers. I use the dresser. Two of my six drawers are broken. If I pull them out more than an inch (say, to actually get a sock out?), I must make sure I’m wearing steel-toed boots. Because, y’know, they fall out onto my toes. And then I cry.

Dad has a lathe. He can make new drawer runners that aren’t disintegrating - and I can save my pedicure. And my mascara. “Please make me two of these,” say I. “Shall I do them for you right now?”, says he? “Oh no, whenever you have time,” says me. Then I drink their coffee and eat their grapes.

When Mr. Hot and I returned home, we brought the chairs out and set them up on the deck.

Now, I’m stealing this from Lys. Because it looks cool. And I want to see if I can do it.

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

Not as easy as you might think.
Remember: one word answers.

1.Where is your mobile phone? Purse
2.Your significant other? Hot
3.Your hair? Messy
4.Your mother? Polish
5.Your father? Cosby
6.Your favorite thing? Husband
7.Your dream last night? Balding
8.Your favorite drink? Merlot
9.Your dream/goal? Leisure
10.The room you’re in? Living
11.Your ex? Practice
12.Your fear? Cancer
13.Where do you want to be in 6 years? Retired
14.Where were you last night? Kitchen
15.What you’re not? Naive
16.Muffins? Poppyseed
17.One of your wish list items? Arabian
18.Where you grew up? Canton
19.The last thing you did? Read
20.What are you wearing? Shorts
21.Your TV? ESPN
22.Your pets? Sleeping
23.Your computer? Warm
24.Your life? Comfortable
25.Your mood? Content
26.Missing someone? Gramma
27.Your car? Avenger
28.Something you’re not wearing? Shoes
29.Favorite Store? Kohl’s
30.Your summer? Short
31.Like someone? Mr.
32.Your favorite color? Forest
33.When is the last time you laughed? 8
34.Last time you cried? Movies

—- I’ve discovered that I’m a wordy bitch. I had to tell a story before I did the one-word meme.  And, I kept wanting to type an explanation to my answer. —-

Gosh and Golly Gee. Wasn’t that mean? I’m not generally a violence-unto-others type of person (I may rant at stupidity, but I rarely never fantasize about bodily harm), but oh mah holy hell y’all. I had a knot the size of a softball between my shoulder blades when I walked out of here yesterday.  I may have also ground my teeth down to the gums.

I know! Stress much?

Nothing that vodka/limeade, soft food, and a nice shoulder rub from Mr. Hot couldn’t cure, though. (Well, that and the fact that I only have one.more.day. to deal with it. One.More.Day. Ohhhhhhhm.)

Which brings me to today’s subject. Major Bedhead tagged me for The Six-Words Meme. Y’all have seen this right? Originally started by Smith Magazine - the history being:

Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” Last year, SMITH Magazine re-ignited the recountre by asking our readers for their own six-word memoirs. They sent in short life stories in droves, from the bittersweet (“Cursed with cancer, blessed with friends”) and poignant (“I still make coffee for two”) to the inspirational (“Business school? Bah! Pop music? Hurrah”) and hilarious (“I like big butts, can’t lie”).

Here are the rules:

1) Write your own six word memoir;
2) Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like;
3) Link to the person that tagged you in your post, and to the original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere;
4) Tag at least five more blogs with links; and
5) Don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

And my memoir?

Classic Type A attempting to B.

I’m going to tag:

Michael, Meghan, Jennifer @ The Cubicle’s Backporch, Sarah O and Ali.

—- And yes, tomorrow is my last day in this office. After that, I will be working from home with these on my feet and cats in my lap. One step closer to calm and serene. —-

My fiance, Candy, tagged me for a meme and although I’m trying to only do one meme/month, this is the first time I’ve seen this one (and it’s 7:12 p.m. on Easter Sunday, and see that title up there? Yep. I’m caving.) . Here are the rules:

1. List three books you’ve always meant to read, but haven’t got around to them

2. Share the two books that changed your life

3. Recommend the one book you’ve been talking about since the very first day you’ve read it

—————–and so here they are——————–

Three books I’ll read someday:

… because isn’t this the world’s longest book or something?

… because somehow I managed to miss having to read this one

and

… because I’ve heard wonderful things about it.

Two books that changed my life:

I found this book stashed in a linen closet when I was 9 or 10. For some reason, I think it was hidden from me. I liberated it from between the sheets and pillowcases, stuffed it under my mattress and read it while I was supposed to be doing my homework or cleaning my room. Since I shared a bedroom with my sister, I couldn’t read it at night - the only light in my room was the one in the ceiling.

I learned what life was like from the view of a girl about my age, but who grew up when my grandmother did. After I finished reading it, I had a new appreciation for my own life and times. Me - a middle-class white girl from Detroit - I could do anything.

and

… like Candy, I know that people either love or hate Stephen King. If you’ve seen this post, you know I own a lot of Stephen King books. This is the only one that I re-read every couple of years. (Note, the television mini-series adaptation? Sucked. Molly Ringwald was so NOT Fran.) The first time I read it, it gave me far more chills than any bloodier or ghostier “horror” story. Classic Good vs. Evil.

The one book I’ve been talking about since the first day I read it?

A story about a tragedy, but told with humor and love. A view from outside with a sweet ending. Maybe this is why I’ve enjoyed reading Dawn’s untitled novel so much.

And I usually don’t tag people, but this time I’m tagging: Dizzy Ms. Lizzy, Amanda, Sangria Lover, and Shania. And YOU! if you want to participate.  EDITED:  And Mr. Lady.  Because she loves me this meme.

—- I love books. There’s nothing better, to me, than sitting outside during the summer, an icy cold drink nearby, feeling the sun on your bare feet, hearing the birds and smelling the heat, with a book in your lap, just waiting to read that first line. —-

All images thanks to Amazon.com

After the sheer volume of memes that I did during NaBloPoMoFoShoYoHoHo (and a bottle of rum), I swore that I would limit myself to one per month during Blog365. So, yay - todays the day. (Hear that enthusiasm in my typing?) I’ve been tagged.

By RC of Hill Smith Family:

Five Fours

4 Jobs I’ve Had:

• Playground Leader
• Veterinary Assistant
• H.R. Benefits Administrator
• Information Technology Manager

4 Places I’ve Lived:

• Dearborn, Michigan
• Royal Oak, Michigan
• St. Albans, West-by-Gawd-Virginia
• Huntington, W-b-G-V

4 Places I’ve Vacationed:

• Ft. Lauderdale, Florida (This is the only one in the last decade. Sigh.)
• Lexington, Kentucky (Horse farms in the Fall.  Beautiful and Peaceful)
• Bozeman, Montana  (Skiing.  Blech.)
• Paradise Island, Bahamas  (The worst sunburn I ever had, in my entire life.  My forehead SWELLED and I couldn’t wear my glasses, effectively rendering me blind.  Blind in Paradise.  Yep.)

4 of my Favorite Foods:

• Salmon  (or any kind of fish)
• Enchiladas  (with a side of Margaritas)
• Stuffed Grape Leaves
• Hummous with Pine Nuts and Lamb

4 Things I Like to Do (I’m amending this to say “alone”, because anything with Mr. Hot or Shorman generally trumps these):

• Read
• Write
• Crochet
• Ride Horseback

********lalalalalalala********

Shelly at Not The Daddy tagged me for essentially the same meme, so I’m only doing the ones that are different (because I haven’t really lived or vacationed 8 places and well, I’m just lazy):

4 Movies I’ve Watched Over and Over:

• The Wizard of Oz (and I can sing every song in it)
• The Sound of Music  (ditto)
• Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the original only)
• Lord of the Rings (the entire trilogy has been watched multiple times)

4 Shows I Watch:

• Any Sports Event in Season
• Dream Team (A show about a soccer team….)
• And, Um, hum…….
• Any Sports Event in Season! (You see a really sad pattern, don’t you?)

4 Places I’d Rather Be Right Now:

• Amsterdam in the Summer (i.e. not working)
• Bed (with warm blankets)
• At a quiet restaurant with Mr. Hot, candles and wine  (sigh…..I need a date night)
• Australia with Gypsy, Kelley and we’d bring Veronica in from Tasmania (Or in Tasmania with Veronica and we’d bring Gypsy and Kelley in)

4 Things I Look Forward To This New Year:

• Figuring out what I want to be when I grow up
• My stepson moving in with us (Yes, he really is - in May)
• Spring (if it EVER gets here) and planting my garden  (I’m going to try to grow cauliflower this year)
• Bike rides through Ann Arbor after the students go home  (because otherwise, you can’t get through the streets)

********lalalalalalala********

Then Mary, at My Piece of the World tagged me with the “Seven Random Things” thingie. So,

teh rulz:

- Link to the person who tagged you
- Post teh rulz on your blog
- Share 7 random things about yourself
- Tag 7 people (I’m horrible at following this rule just so you know!)
- Leave a comment on their blogs so they know they’ve been tagged

Alright. Here goes nothing.

1. I have a freckle on the inside of my right calf. You could cut my leg off and throw it in a trash heap, and people who know me would know it’s my leg because of that freckle.
2. I faint very easily. Especially if someone else’s blood is involved. I can deal with my own, but don’t show me yours. (The best reason I had for not going to Medical School, dad)
3. I hate talking on the phone with a passion. Hate.It. I spend 3-4 hours of my work day on the phone and it sucks the life right out of me.  (Except if you call, of course!  Then I would just be all happiness and light!  snort.)
4. I used to make spending money by taking my horse to birthday parties in the neighborhood subdivisions (which were springing up like weeds in Canton, Michigan in the late 70s) and giving rides to the kids at the party. Most of them had never been close to a horse before.  (And the parents loved the piles in their yard.)
5. I sleep with socks on year ’round. I sleep with a blanket on the bed year ’round. I must have the weight of the blanket on me to fall asleep. Even I don’t get the socks thing.
6. When Shortman was born, he ripped me so badly that it took the doctor 4 hours to sew me back together. During that time, I had no epidural because the needle had come out of my back and the drug had run down the outside rather than into me. So, yes, that sucked. Really fucking bad.
7. I smoke three cigarettes per day. Sometimes 2. Rarely 4. Never more than 4, and never before 5 p.m. - unless it’s summer and I’m sitting outside. I’ve been known to smoke 5 or 6 in a single day. It’s a stinking, filthy, health-zapping habit. And yet, I’m not interested in quitting. Yet.  So shush.

—- Remember how I said I’m bad at tagging others? I meant it. But, by all means, please feel free to grab this and tell us 7 things about you.  Because then we can point and laugh right back!  —-

I owe, I owe, so here my dears, I go. I have been tagged me for the 6 Quirky Things Meme (I’m looking at you Carrie!) and although I’ve done it before, I’m more than happy to do it again. However, I’m a meme-rebel. You should know that beforehand.

Well, sort of. I should follow some of the rules:

• I have to link to the person who tagged me. (I did!)
• Post the rules on my blog (I did!!)
• Tag 6 random people (I may!)
• Let each of the 6 people know you tagged them by leaving them a comment (Well, see previous rule. We’ll see what happens, eh?)

1. I have lots of scars from playing Over-30 Women’s Soccer for 8 years. Between October and April, I played indoors in an arena that looked like a hockey rink filled with AstroTurf. In the summer, I played the normal outdoor game. I played against some of the same women in the summer that I played with during the winter season. During one game, one of those women kicked my shin so hard that it shifted my shinguard and her cleat ended up implanted in my leg. I had to have x-rays to see if she chipped the bone. She didn’t. But the scar is shaped like a soccer cleat. (Bonus item: That indoor arena? Mr. Hot used to work there in the Spring and Fall - getting it ready for the season. That AstroTurf that I played on? When they replaced it with new, they gave a large piece of the old to Mr. Hot. It’s in my basement - in the spot where I work out. So, not only do I have scars from where I fell on it during the season and got “turf burn”, I now have the opportunity to trip on it regularly during step-aerobic DVDs. It’s the gift that keeps on hurting.)
2. When I had the Mumps, I didn’t get them in the glands behind my ears. I got them in the glands under my chin. When I got up for school that morning, my mother stared at me in horror. I thought I’d grown a third eye or that all my hair had fallen out. She consulted her best friend who said that if it was the Mumps, I wouldn’t be able to eat pickles. (Something about the mumps supposedly made the sourness of the pickle juice impossible to handle.) I ate a jar of pickles. I guess that made Mom worry, because she took me to the doctor for a diagnosis. He confirmed that regardless of the ‘pickle test’, it was the Mumps. When my brother and sister came down with them 2 and 4 weeks later (respectively), they had more traditional versions.
3. I can take tests. For some reason, I’ve been gifted with the ability to take standardized tests. (Shortman, who is taking his ACT tomorrow? Not so much. He got Mr. Hot’s test genes, apparently.) After I took my ACT, I got “recruited” by The Military Academy at West Point, Boston University, M.I.T. and Stanford. If I would have spent the bucks and the time to actually send them my application? They would have laughed their cream-of-the-crop asses off at my G.P.A. and my class rank. I have also been known to “outwit” personality assessments, which is why I don’t take them unless I absolutely, positively, can’t refuse.
4. I would be a perpetual student if I was independently wealthy. I love sitting in a classroom. I love doing homework. (Mr. Hot is the same, and unfortunately, Shortman got NEITHER of our genes there.) I discovered my love of math when I had to take a 3-hour/day calculus class during a 6 week summer session at Marshall University. I would get a PhD in Mathematics if I could. (Time and money people - if one of you will bankroll me, I’ll do it.)
5. I tried out for the David Hicks Elementary School boy’s basketball team when they opened up tryouts for all students. There wasn’t a girl’s team, and the school board decided that basketball was a non-contact sport so anyone could try out. I failed miserably - and was cut after the first day (funny, the same thing happened when I tried out for cheerleading). Terry Nelson (Theresa) made it though. And sat the bench the entire season. She was the first “token” I knew.
6. I always wake up laying on my left side. I go to sleep laying on my right, and I wake up on my left. Every morning. I think it’s because I’m mostly deaf in my right ear, so to be able to sleep, I lay on the only ear I can hear out of, thereby rendering everything completely silent. I have also carried on phone conversations in the middle of the night while I’m asleep. And can’t remember having done so when I wake up. A few friends have related entire calls that I cannot remember because I spoke to them while I’m asleep. So, if you call me at 1 am? Do not expect me to remember that I’ve promised to take care of your cats while you’re out of town.

—- Now for the rebel piece. I’m not tagging anyone. But please, feel free. I tagged last time. However, if you let me know that you did this, I’ll read and make fun of you in a future post! —-

Thanks to Fannie over at This isn’t what I ordered for providing me with something to write about today in between trying to leave the office at a decent time (yes, I got home, but the fuckin’ plane didn’t land until 11:30 p.m., which put me  crawling into bed after Midnight) and cross at least one or two things off my To Do list.

Because, even though I should be crossing more things off my To Do list, writing on my blog is always a priority.  (Snirk.  347 to go.)

And because I’m good at memes (having lasted through NaBloPoMo-YoFoTheHos) here are The Rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you. (Check)
2. Post the rules on your blog (Check)
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. (Check….hope none are repeats)
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. (Check!)
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.  (Woo hoo. Done.)

So without further ado; six quirks/habits about me that are just plain strange:

1. When I was in 8th grade, I decided that I didn’t like the way my name was spelled.  So I listed all the ways it could be spelled and picked one I liked.  That whole year, I spelled my name like that, and only one teacher called me on it.  He taught American History and insisted that I spell my name the way my transcripts had them.
2. I love to fly and have been skydiving, but I am scared of heights.  I get sweaty palms just thinking about climbing up too high, and get nauseous if I have to watch those cliff divers or rock climbers on television.
3. I am such a Type-A personality that when I was 12 or so, my pediatrician told my mother that I would have a heart-attack by the time I was 19 if I didn’t calm.the.fuck.down already.  (I don’t think he used those exact words, but, then, he wasn’t a Type A)
4. I am insanely ticklish on my neck.  Mr. Hot kissing it can bring on convulsive laughter (first) and shoving (second).  If he tries again, I may kick.
5. I read the first 5 Little House books every year.  Mom got me the set for Christmas a few years ago, and every winter I read them, in order, over again. I wanted, so much, to be Laura Ingalls while I was growing up.
6. Once, in a college course (Assembler Language - I could have learned 17 dialects of Chinese easier), I was laughing so hard at something Mr. Hot had said (yes, we had this class together, possibly an indication of why I nearly failed it) that the professor from the room next door came over because he thought “there’s a dying horse in this room”.  Y’all?  His exact words?  “Is there a dying horse in here?”  Of course, my response?  Laugh harder.

And here are my tags.
Pinky at Pink Neck Girl

Lyvvie at Lyvvie’s Limelight

Anita at Boneblower’s World

Veronica at Someday We Will Sleep

Candy from Candy’s Corner

Cookie at Cookiebitch

—-  Go forth and spread the strangeness.  I’m going to cross off one more thing then go buy vodka.  Contest details and more coming tomorrow or Sunday and  please send me your links for the Hotlight Blogolution!  Don’t make me fail before I start! —-