Really. You need to see if there’s a root poking out of that molar on the left side of your mouth. When an errant popcorn kernel brings you to your knees, there’s something wrong.

Very wrong.

—- Did I mention I am a great big pussy when it comes to dentists? —-

When you’re changing the cat litter, remember NOT to put the opening backwards into the closet, thereby shutting off all access to the actual, y’know, litter for the two cats.

—- Because you’ve got a white rug in the room next door, dummy. —-

Generally, I’m pretty good at speaking in public. I can even answer impromptu questions and sound reasonably intelligent. Today, however, I should have sat down, kept my mouth shut, and well…it wasn’t pretty.

The Setting:
A large conference room with about 60 people waiting to hear all about the contracts we just signed and how the terms of said contracts would change the way they do their jobs.

The Participants:
Leaders from my company. Managers, MY BOSS, my team, clients.

The Timeframe:
Between 9:00 a.m. and 11:00 a.m. today.

The Story:

Ehem.

So, one of my team was standing at the podium, very eloquently walking through the 20-page document we’ve spent the last three weeks developing. The room’s attention was on him. I was sitting in front of his podium, taking notes, preparing for my part of the presentation when someone decided to ask a question. He nodded at me and said, “The Hotfessional can probably explain that better, she’s been closer to that part of the negotiation process.”

I thanked him kindly, picked up the portable microphone that was laying on the table in front of me and turned to look at the crowd – which was, of course, all behind me. As I sat swiveling in my chair to make eye contact, I realized that I probably needed to stand up and turn around to actually, y’know, face the people trying to listen.

So I did.

I stood up, (with my back to 60 people), turned around, and sat daintily on the table. I answered the question, smiled, and sat back down in my seat.

As I did, my team member, the guy at the podium, slipped a piece of paper down onto the table in front of me.

What did it say?

Ree. The zipper on your skirt is wide open.

The Horror:
The zipper on my skirt was in the back. I was wearing black tights, but the control top part? VERY SHEER. Also, no panties under said tights.

—- I mooned 60 people today. —-

Yesterday, I read Lyvvie’s post about reading in public places – specifically on public transport. And now that I’m a regular public transport user (I mean rider, not that I use drugs on public transport…), I read all the time.

Most recently, I borrowed my new landlord’s copies of Naked and Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris. Good, easy reads for times when I’m surrounded by people jostling for space and half-listening to make sure I don’t miss my stop. That the essays are hilariously funny are only a bonus.

This morning, though, I obviously wasn’t thinking about what Lyvvie wrote. I grabbed a book, got to the station, and settled myself into my seat – surrounded, as usual (at 6:45 a.m.) by twenty-somethings heading downtown for work. I took off my glasses (all the better to see the freakin’ words) and propped my newest selection on top of my briefcase – exactly the right distance and height to make out the words on the page. I got involved in the character’s introduction to his life – a Jewish boy with an insurance salesman father – and ignored the activity going on around me. I’d heard of this book quite often, but had never read it – and since most of my other choices were either plays or tomes far too serious for light train reading, I figured this was my chance to read it without going to the library or buying it myself.

Four or five stops into the commute, I glanced up and noticed the guy across from me staring. Intently. With a wry grin on his face.

Then I realized he wasn’t staring at me, but at my book.

And then I turned 17 shades of red, died, and they dragged my body off the train.

—- Of course, when I got home this evening, I also found out that I had missed taking a dry-cleaning tag off the back of my skirt and walked around with a little slip of paper stapled to my ass all day. —-

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled program to tell you all that I am attempting to knit this as my first “in the round” project ever.

The screaming you hear from the general vicinity of Ann Arbor, Michigan will be me.

You may wish to adjust the volume on your computer.

Protect the children. And the vodka.

—- Any hints for success are welcome and appreciated. —-

(Pattern From Ravelry)