Wha? It’s June? Damn. How did that happen?

In honor of my dirty fingernails and my muddy knees, in honor of the weather forecast for the next week (80s y’all! Now shush, no pissing off Mother Nature, eh?), in honor of the Eastern Bluebirds nesting in my birdhouse, and, in honor of 5 months of Hotlighting, here you go.

Way back when, I was looking for some information on how to kill transplant a bunch of Russian Sage, I stumbled upon this thing called a blog. Oh, I’d heard of blogging, but I thought it was something that teenagers did. (um, oops. Forgive me?)

Anyway, it was Colleen’s “In the Garden Online“.

Then I made my way through some of her links:

Calendula & Concrete
Cold Climate Gardening
May Dreams Gardens
Our Little Acre

Rurality and The Inadvertent Gardener were the very first sites I found where I read through each and every archived post.

TxPoppet sent me Tea and Margaritas in my Garden

And lovely Elle gave us her very own Gardening 101 tutorial.

Magpie wrote a beautiful post about pass along plants - what a wonderful tribute to the gardeners in her life.

And Dizzy Ms Lizzy sent me this wonderfully complete site.

So, see, if I wasn’t trying to kill something that cannot be killed…(a first for me) - I wouldn’t have found blogs. I wouldn’t have found Susie Sunshine (someone linked to her white flower garden, I think). I wouldn’t have been discussing blogs with Mr. Hot - and he wouldn’t have come up with the brilliantly (snort) appropriate (double snort) name for this blog!

—- Now, I have tomatoes to water, and I must scrub my knees. And I don’t have my new June header ready yet because of the freaking 96 spitoonias petunias and 48 smelligolds marigolds I put in the ground. Hope you find some inspiration and your inner green thumb. —-

Today’s episode of The Hot Affair is going to be shown tomorrow. Mostly because I haven’t written it yet, and I need to plan through the sequence of events in my head. Besides, I have a couple of other things to tell you about.

Yesterday I went to meet my new doctor and she is wonderful. She’s beyond wonderful. She made me laugh while she was shooting my head full of cortisone! Seriously y’all, how could you not like someone who can crack jokes that are actually funny after the 20th poke. She gave me 27 shots all together (I’m so sorry, those of you in the audience who are turning white…. Hey, can someone pick Sue up off the floor?) - and is confident that she’ll have the same luck as Dr. Boyfriend. (Growing it back. Geez, y’all. But, y’know, if she does have the same luck, I may just make out with her on the examination table!)

The joke? She asked me if I was going home after the visit. I said, “Oh yea…and probably straight to bed for an hour.” She came back with, “Oh, good. I’d hate for you to go run errands with blood spurting out of your head like a sprinkler.” (Okay, so it wasn’t a good joke, but at least she has a sense of humor.)

Another appointment in 4 weeks - we’re both convinced that there will be some new hair growing in by then.

-lalalalalala-

Mr. Hot and I went to the garden center today and bought three beautiful, huge hanging baskets. (And yes, he’s the one that makes sure they live…I’ve had plants commit suicide because they just can’t stand the neglect love that I shower them with!) Two deep purple petunias - the “Wave” petunias that pour over the sides of the baskets - they’re hanging on the front porch and set off the green of the posts and the door very nicely. In the interest of getting the hummingbirds back this year, we also picked up a fuchsia (why does Wordpress think I should type Eustachian instead?) … the pink and purple set off the purple of the petunias very nicely.

We decided to put a trellis in the spot where the wellhead is - and I’m going to plant Morning Glorys this year. I still can’t figure out what I want to do with that spot permanently, so we’ll go with the violets and hosta that are already there - I added some “wildflower” seeds to see if they come up - and after the morning glory seeds soak for a day or so, I’ll plant them. Hopefully it will all fill in nicely and add some color to an otherwise weedy spot.

So, those of you who are serious about their gardening, you’re probably laughing at me. “Ha! Hotfessional, that is sooooooo common of you. WTF?” You’re absolutely right. I can’t argue with that at all. But I don’t have a lot of time to figure it all out … and I live in Zone 5 … which pretty much means … I’m fucked. (Wait, that’s not really true. There are a lot of beautiful things that can grow around here, but we have midwestern clay for soil, we’re surrounded by trees (the parts of the yard that get full sun are generally not gardenable - because that’s where the septic tank is), and I just don’t know what to do.

—- So remember that the May Hotlight is garden blogs? SEND ME SOME! Don’t let me down, okay? Either leave me your favorite garden blog in the comments for this post, or send me an email with “May Hotlight” in the subject. —-

I cleaned out my flower beds today. Got all of the “winter interest” dead-ass stalks cleaned out and admired the tulips getting ready to bloom. I have little green leaves on my Potentilla bushes. We trimmed our beautiful River Birch to give it it’s classic shape. I weeded out stray grass seedlings from the perennials. It was 74 beautiful degrees. I wanted to strip down to mah bare-nekkid-ass, throw myself to the ground and roll around. (And I would have, too, but the juvenile delinquents hooligans kids across the street were riding their go-cart and the asshat jerkoff neighborhood snoop gentleman farmer behind us was tinkering with his tractor. )

We went around checking the seedling trees we planted last year. I think 3 or 4 of the 10 survived. In 15 years, they may be 6 5 4 feet tall. (They came, literally, in a padded envelope and looked like sticks. With little paint marks on them. Ten trees for $10.)

I have dirt under my fingernails. I am happy.

As far as I’m concerned, I must live high-rise city or way-the-fuck in the country. Give me downtown Chicago….no grass, 45-story buildings, cabbies happy to run you down, five-star restaurants and doormen -or- give me wetlands preserves, manure in the flower beds, 7-miles to the grocery store and raccoons in the yard. Suburban neighborhoods are where I grew up, but there’s a reason I always felt out of place.

After the yardwork, we went out to MomandDad’s. Our bedroom set is a really old hand me down ancient walnut queen-sized bed, chest of drawers, and a mirrored dresser that MomandDad bought about 40 years ago. (Seriously….I just calculated it out. They bought it in 1968….I was, um, 5.) Mr. Hot uses the chest of drawers. I use the dresser. Two of my six drawers are broken. If I pull them out more than an inch (say, to actually get a sock out?), I must make sure I’m wearing steel-toed boots. Because, y’know, they fall out onto my toes. And then I cry.

Dad has a lathe. He can make new drawer runners that aren’t disintegrating - and I can save my pedicure. And my mascara. “Please make me two of these,” say I. “Shall I do them for you right now?”, says he? “Oh no, whenever you have time,” says me. Then I drink their coffee and eat their grapes.

When Mr. Hot and I returned home, we brought the chairs out and set them up on the deck.

Now, I’m stealing this from Lys. Because it looks cool. And I want to see if I can do it.

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

Not as easy as you might think.
Remember: one word answers.

1.Where is your mobile phone? Purse
2.Your significant other? Hot
3.Your hair? Messy
4.Your mother? Polish
5.Your father? Cosby
6.Your favorite thing? Husband
7.Your dream last night? Balding
8.Your favorite drink? Merlot
9.Your dream/goal? Leisure
10.The room you’re in? Living
11.Your ex? Practice
12.Your fear? Cancer
13.Where do you want to be in 6 years? Retired
14.Where were you last night? Kitchen
15.What you’re not? Naive
16.Muffins? Poppyseed
17.One of your wish list items? Arabian
18.Where you grew up? Canton
19.The last thing you did? Read
20.What are you wearing? Shorts
21.Your TV? ESPN
22.Your pets? Sleeping
23.Your computer? Warm
24.Your life? Comfortable
25.Your mood? Content
26.Missing someone? Gramma
27.Your car? Avenger
28.Something you’re not wearing? Shoes
29.Favorite Store? Kohl’s
30.Your summer? Short
31.Like someone? Mr.
32.Your favorite color? Forest
33.When is the last time you laughed? 8
34.Last time you cried? Movies

—- I’ve discovered that I’m a wordy bitch. I had to tell a story before I did the one-word meme.  And, I kept wanting to type an explanation to my answer. —-

This is out in the front yard.  It’s 60 degrees and sunny.  Mr.  Hot and I have been grocery shopping this morning - and then we went back to the grocery store to get the things we forgot.  We did manage to get 3 great re-usable grocery bags for $0.99 each!  (Of course, I’m sure we cancelled that out by using the fuel to go back to the store, but eventually, I hope we’ll be on the positive side of the green line.)

We took Poopy the Puppy for a nice long walk around the wetlands pond, and yelled at him for rolling in the freshly laid goose shit.  After we came home and finished cleaning the rest of the goose shit out off, I clipped his nails.  He hates getting his nails clipped.   I hate clipping his nails.

The Tigers lost to the White Sox yesterday.   We’re not talking about that.

I have to go get my racing stripe covered today.

I’m reading “Veil of Roses” by Laura Fitzgerald.

I’m so far behind in answering emails, I’m sorry y’all.  I love you for commenting, and I want to respond to each of you - it just takes me a day or three sometimes.  You will hear from me, I promise!

And now I’m going to help Mr. Hot fix the headlight on the truck from Shortman’s little mishap.

—- I’m sure you’re yawning and wishing for a pillow and a nap after today’s post - but if other “Mr. and Mrs. Hot” projects are any indication, I’ll have a story to recount after this endeavor! —-

…because I’m starting to get the itch, and mine? Are more of a brownish/tan/pest-infested type of color. And suffering from either lack of, or too much water. Sigh.

I actually discovered blogging by looking for information on gardening in the midwest/zone 5 (Hi Genie!). I’m kinda hopeless. I have great ambitions every year. I tell myself that I’m going to start my seedlings early, and pay attention when transplanting, and not get tired of this plant or that plant.

I actually like to weed. (Seriously, want to hire me?) I love being outside. I don’t mind pinching back and hauling water. I just make really dumb choices about what I’m planting and where I’m planting it - and then I get all disgusted and disillusioned and disappointed when things don’t grow. Because dead? Not so pretty.

Last year, I had a couple of projects. The first was to fill this spot where the garage and the house come together. It’s shady. It was full of rocks and concrete from where things got dumped when they built the house in 1972. (Yes, you read that right. No one had ever done anything with this little spot.) I’m really hoping that they’ll grow and fill in and cover the fugly foundation blocks.

Another was to finish filling in the perennial beds in front of the house. These pictures are all from in front of

the garage side of the house. In front of the porch, I had to replace a Butterfly Bush that cacked it after it grew a couple of leaves and then we had a frost. I put in Coreopsis and Balloon Flowers - and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they survive this winter. (See my rain barrel there in the corner? Doing my part to conserve natural resources. Yay me!) It’s also filled with Daylillies, Anise Hyssop, Rudbeckia, and Beardtongue (which I always call Penis Team On).

I have no doubts that I’ll need to replace some plants in there, but I can live with that. (Why yes, this is pretty much the only picture I have of the front of the house. And yes, it is depressing in the winter. The bedroom window in the upper left with the red curtains? Shortman’s room. It’s decorated in Texas Rangers baseball colors. Don’t ask. It wasn’t a pretty experience.)

Anyway, this gardening shit? It’s a matter of learning and experimentation. I know that. But I lived in a “Garden Level” (read: 1/2 underground) apartment for 9 years, then in a condo, then in a rental house - experimentation to me is hanging a couple of baskets of impatiens and calling it good.

This year, we have two projects planned. (Well, Mr. Hot has one, and I have one.) Mr. Hot wants to plant a garden. Wait, get this - with food growing! - in the ground! instead of in pots. We have a spot all picked out, and come Memorial Day, we’ll be planting. (In Michigan, planting before Memorial Day guarantees that there will be at least one frost around the 20th - so you just don’t do it.)

My project, though, y’all, is something that I need some help on.

In the front yard, we have a wellhead. This is because we have well water. The wellhead does something to protect us from dying when we take showers or make coffee, so it is a rather important fixture for the entire Hotfessional family.

Right now, the wellhead is surrounded by snow. In the spring, there’s a few tulips that may or may not decide to come up (we’ve only lived here since June 2006, so I’m not counting on anything showing from one year to the next). I transplanted one hosta out of there last year - and then I discovered another that I’m going to move this year. Other than that? Weeds. Weeds, weeds, and more weeds. Ugly weeds, too. I can’t even claim they’re wildflowers.

So, I’m trying to decide what to plant. I’m asking for your help. (Begging, really.) Here’s the ground (ha, get the pun?) rules:

1. The house is white trimmed in green and black. (See above). The flowers on the other plants are purples and yellow/oranges and whites. I’m not thrilled about throwing pink or red in there because I think it would just clash with the rest, but if you can convince me? I’m all for it.
2. No viney things or ground cover allowed. The area is cleared of grass and there’s rocks around it (think 12-14 inch boulders of river rock - about the size of a shoe box). Mr. Hot cuts the grass out front. He will not appreciated plants that do not stay within their confines. He may even decide to give them a haircut with the John Deere.
3. The diameter of the entire circle of cleared dirt weeds is about 4 - 4 1/2 feet.
4. There’s a tree that provides some shade, but for the most part, it’s a very sunny, dry spot.
5. I don’t want anything too tall - more within the 10-16″ range.
6. Perennials are definitely preferred. Annuals are beautiful, but damn, are they needy. And we’re definitely Zone 5. I can’t claim 6, as much as I’d like to.

Picky much? (I know! Geez.)

So, what do you all think? Send me some ideas.

—- I’m dreaming about dirt and digging. And sunshine and heat. And Oh Mah Holy Hell people. It’s freakin’ snowing. Again! There’s a couple of inches in the parking lot and we just got an email that says “there is a regional salt shortage and only public agencies are able to acquire such”. A salt shortage? In Michigan? In February? Fuck a duck. —-

…for which I came to Chicago, so, between that (getting up at 4-freakin’-a.m.) and the fact that tomorrow is my 100th post (!!!!!!) and therefore I want to finish my 100 Things About Me list (stay tuned!), I want to just show you all a quick something (I know you love that run-on sentence):

MomandDad made this:

which, y’all?

Looks an awful lot like this:

Doesn’t it? (Well, without the flippin’, suck-ass snow….that I hate with the fury of a thousand brilliant suns…..).

How cool is that? The birds get to live in a house that looks almost exactly like mine! I hope they like their hardwood floors as much as I like mine and that they never have exploding lightbulbs in their bathroom. (Ooooh, another story to tell you someday soon.)

—- The management team is going out tonight -stories involving shots on the Chicago River at a later date I’m sure. —-

*For those of you who have teenagers….remember Ah! Real Monsters?

First, we woke up and went to sign the papers to get this. Yes, since I went from a station wagon to a sporty little sedan, we needed something to haul shit around in. This is going to be Shortman’s in a few months.

Then we came home and I went and picked a few tomatoes from the planters. And admired the peppers. Yum.

Then I went to check out the flowers. Here are my black-eyed susans with an interspersing of Russian Sage

And my Silver Wave petunias that I grew from seed!

And my calendula. Also from seed.

Then I looked at my stack of books

Picked one (The Richard Bachman book) and made for this:

With some cranberry juice, ice, and this:

—- Life is good in the Hotfessional household this Saturday. —-